Wasted?+-+JoeP+Novella

//Joe Pold

This is a story that needs to be told, my story. If I saw a psychiatrist, they would probably say it all started the day my mother died. Anyone who knows anything about where I’m from would know this isn’t true. Maybe her death confirmed what happened when I was growing up, but it would probably all have played out the same anyway. This is not to say her death did not have an affect on me though, it definitely moved. How could it not, it was my mother, gone forever. I remember a lot of it and what I don’t remember my sister told me later. It was in the summer, not yet into the dog days, and my sister had taken me to the park as she often did. I loved that park, I had nothing to worry about yet, and all that was on my mind was my new friend, Devan, and our time together on the jungle gym and sand pit. My sister took me home one day along a different route, this stands out to me, and she suddenly stopped when we came near our apartment block and saw squad cars parked outside. This is one of my earliest memories, its sad right? I never got to go to Disney World and hug Mickey Mouse, go the Grand Canyon. Where I lived, these things seemed distant, unattainable, and so that’s why we went to the park. Everyday. I can’t complain, it wasn’t my parent’s fault that we couldn’t afford these things, we had to spend money on more important things, food and rent and bills. When I think about these things, these small, trivial entertainments I sometimes laugh. That I wanted these things was understandable, but they would not solve any of the larger problems my family faced. Hugging a man in a suit wouldn’t have sent me to a better school, gotten me into the right crowd of people. These are just the ramblings of a man finally gaining some peace of mind, so in a way that is the point of telling my story. To show others what can happen and what does happen as well as to ease my own concerns of my childhood. Anyway, the squad cars unnerved my sister as they were always around but never came near our house, let alone park in front of it. She took my hand and hurried me inside; this was unusual as she didn’t like being inside and so often walked around the block a few times before finally going in for dinner. Inside stood a few police officers with lowered heads huddling around an aged and worn man wearing overalls marred with black streaks. His lip was trembling and his eyes glossed over by tears. The youngest of the officers put his hand over my father’s shoulder but the man in the overalls shook him off. I think this may have been the only time I ever saw my father cry, it was a shocking experience. This man represented hard work and an ever-present sense of right and wrong and duty before emotion, traits I wish I had and that would have come in great use later on in my life. To me, seeing my father crying was like seeing God bleed. I wasn’t told the whole truth until a few hours later during which time I had been sent to watch TV in the other room while my father had been talking to my sister and the police. It wasn’t until I had been called to dinner that my father had recovered his composure and was finally able to look at me and quite bluntly say, “Jacob, your mother, she….she was caught up in a robbery, it turned bad Jacob, very bad.” He stood up and went to Lefty’s, the local bar. He didn’t come back for a few hours, smelling of cigarettes and cheap liquor. I would have to get used to this smell. Before this, I had no real concept of death. I knew people went away and I knew people got hurt but I had never really thought about the possibility of people turning to nothing, to just stopping. It took a few tries for my dad to explain to me what death was. He understood that I knew opposites so he compared that just as black and white were on 2 distant ends of the spectrum, that life (which I knew plenty about) and death were also like black and white. They were both part of a similar group, but served as comparatives to the other parts of the group. I understood well enough by the time the funeral came that I would not see my mother again. The funeral is sort of a blur to me, I think sub-consciously that I chose not to remember it. I don’t think it was as sad as the day my mother died, my father didn’t cry on this day but sat quietly holding me and my sister while the pastor solemnly declared her to be passed on to the good care of the Lord. After the funeral everything was different. My dad took on another job to fill in for what my mother brought home and so was not at home much anymore. He would work 7 to 6 then take the train from the airport to downtown where he then started work as a cook at a small diner on the west side of LA. I rarely visited him at work at the diner as it was a long ride on the bus from our apartment and I didn’t fare well on the on the often bumpy and drawn out rides. When I did go, and the train ride hadn’t upset me too much, I always enjoyed it. It was always good to see my dad even though I did not have the chance to talk to him much at the diner. I never really saw him at home much as I was in bed by the time he came home and he worked most weekends. But at the diner, during the quieter hours he would smile at me from the kitchen while I worked on some math problem or other. Then, I would get chicken fingers with fries, courtesy of the joint. This was the only time I ever got to eat out even though it was still my father’s cooking. When it was time to go home at around 7, my father would briefly step out of the kitchen give me a hug and send me on my way saying he would try and get some time off. My sister would then lead me out and we would get back on the train and go home where I would watch T.V for a bit before heading to bed.

Though I only ever went to the same stop to visit my dad at work, I was keen on reading and I quickly memorized all the stops on the route and the more important streets we passed So, even though I never went exploring thro ugh LA until much later, I was already squared away on landmarks that seemed important/. I always wanted to be dependent only on myself and this was a way for me to gain confidence in myself. Confidence is important to a person. With a bit of luck and a bit of confidence a person can achieve more than they would probably hope to think. Being indecisive only causes problems in my experience. Sure you may want to take time reviewing your options, but more often than not, it’s too late by the time you’ve made up your mind. From my hatred of indecision came my overwhelming lack of patience which would get me into trouble more times than not. A number of years after my mother’s funeral came another lazy summer day filled with boredom and a desire to do something, anything. Devan and I had become inseparable during the summers, as there weren’t many other kids our age and we thought we were to cool for the ones who were. I was used to having him pop in whenever he wanted, though we were young, his parents did not have the time to mind him nor felt the need to given his supposed maturity. On one of these days we were sitting under the ceiling fan trying to avoid the heat when he suggested we go out. “Where?” I asked and a grin came to his face, “Well, wherever, the city!” he said. “But what can we do there, I mean how would we get there? Have you ever been out of the neighborhood?” “Well no,” He said, “But you have plenty right? Always visiting your paps at the diner and my mom won’t know or mind as long as we don’t get caught out too late.” This was all fine and dandy but he didn’t know that I only ever went with my sister. I had alluded to it but had never admitted to it as I wanted to have Devan respect me, a la my determination to be independent. A sense of embarrassment was brewing in me, my stubborn self would and could not let me admit to my friend that I had been phony, especially to him. I “I guess we could, I know where the bus goes and where to get off.” I said after a brief moment of thought. Saying these words helped a bit, voicing my confidence only boosted the real thing. Now that I had said I could I had to, regardless of whether I could or not. So, I felt it better to convince myself of my own abilities rather than doubt myself, as that would not have solved much. I played the whole, well practiced scene over in my head. We had to walk to the end of the block and take a quick right to the front of the gas station where the smokey old men sat during the day, collecting dust. Then we had to wait until the bus came and then I would place the coins my sister had given me just before into the machine and the bus wood jerk into motion. That reminded me. The fare, how much was it? Where would we get the money? I did not really use money much and didn’t remember the faces of the old men on the coins, only the feel and the size. I asked Devan to let me see the money his parents gave him to buy an ice cream everyday (this was a point of jealousy for me, these cool, tasty treats). He was a bit puzzled but complied, as he knew I had something in mind. He had 3 types of coins, 2 of which seemed familiar. I remembered all those times with my sister, 2 big coins and 3 small ones and so I took the amount that felt right and kept the rest for myself. My confidence was surpassing my intelligence, my pride pushing any notion of fear and common sense to the back of my mind. We walked to the end of the block and turned to the bus station and waited for what seemed like hours until the bus creaked to a stop and the doors whined open. I was nervous but I had to hide it as we stepped on and gave our money to the driver. Maybe if he had a bit more youth, he may have wondered why 2 kids as young as ourselves without any company were getting on his bus, especially in an area like where we lived. But he had clearly been doing this job for too long and was not paid nearly enough to care about the people he took on. It was midday so the bus was quite empty and we easily found seats near the front of the bus and we planted ourselves in and sat down for ride I knew would take a while. Public buses make for interesting experiences and I find it quite funny that Devan’s first time on a bus was on this day. He was obviously uncomfortable which made me feel very superior. I could see his eyes darting to and from the man lying on the back seats to the ashy, elderly woman sipping something from a brown paper bag. We could smell her from our seats; she was a solid distance away as well. Of course I recognized this smell from the time after my mother died but I didn’t say anything to Devan, I was on the high ground in this situation and I wasn’t planning on losing it.

We did pass places that I knew and familiar street names and so the last inklings of fear I had seemed to slip away as my pride really took over everything I did. As the bus trundled onward, often lurching over potholes, the names didn’t seem so familiar but I was pretty sure we were going the right way. After a while, more on impulse than memory, I dragged Devan off the bus and into the baking heat on a bustling street. I glanced around for street signs, searching for names I knew. I scanned until I connected with a rusted green sign that read “Park Way” (a name not well suited for this area of LA) and crossed the street heading towards the sign. I could see a convenience store that rung a bell in my head and so set off in its direction. After walking down the oddly named Park Way, I took an impulsive right onto Belleview Avenue (odd names aplenty) and checked to make sure Devan was still with me. He was a few paces behind staring around in disbelief. I had forgotten that he had never been into the city before and remembered what it was like looking up at the tall buildings and flashing neon signs. I strolled back to him and gave him a quick, “Come on!” Before continuing on. We then turned onto the street I knew to be where the diner was, Crescent Street, and I was thrilled with myself when I saw the squat building nestled between the 2 worn out looking apartment buildings. Beaming, I dragged Devan across the street and down the road to the diner. I swept open the familiar glass door and welcomed the familiar smell of grease and sani-spray. The waitress, Wonda I think her name was, gave Devan and I a startled look and then chuckled to herself and led us over to a vacant booth. Pride was welling up inside me and I could barely maintain myself. Devan was clearly impressed and congratulated me on my little victory. Perhaps part of the reason he had encouraged the outing in the beginning was to test me, to see if I was dependable. Maybe he had feigned the faith in me? Even if we had lost ourselves, he would have enjoyed it, the thrill of being lost with only ourselves to depend on. This combined with the fact that the more time we spent out, the less time he had to be at home seemed like plausible reasons for his faith, regardless of its authenticity. Wonda, yes I’m pretty sure that’s her name, brought us over a plate of chicken fingers smiling at us saying, ”You boys must be hungry after your journey.” Devan, always the charmer, replied, “Why thank you miss, these smell delicious,” as we dug in to the greasy but delicious food. A while after it had hit me that it was odd my father had not yet come out of the kitchen. It was not a particularly busy in the diner either so I got down from the booth and approached the waitress as she sorted through some old order tickets and asked where my father was. She gave me a puzzled look, “Well, he’s not in yet, you didn’t come to meet him? Don’t worry he shouldn’t be too long though if you were planning on waiting.” So with this new knowledge I returned to the booth where Devan was rubbing his stomach in appreciation of the chicken fingers he had obliterated. I told him that we had to wait a while until m father came but he was getting impatient, “Well we have eaten already, why do you need to see him anyway? We should get back and it’s probably better he didn’t see us anyway.” “We came all this way didn’t we? I never get to see him much so I want to now.” “You’re being a baby, less time with parents, the better. Stop complaining about him and lets go!” Anger swelled inside me, he didn’t understand. I was not going to waste one of the few opportunities I had to see him. I refused to leave the diner until he had known that I had come all this way, by myself at that, to spend a few minutes with him. “Dammit Jacob why can’t you just grow up and see him another time? I want to go now.” “Shut up Devan!” Some of the anger spilt into my words, “ Go if you wanna so badly, why do you need me? You’re the baby for having to wait for me to hold your hand home.” This hit something and I knew it, we were very similar Devan and I and going after his ability to look after himself, which pretty much equated to his pride was a low blow. He let out a small villainous laugh and got out of his seat and left the diner. He immediately turned the wrong way. I didn’t care, as it was his turn to prove me wrong and I turned to colouring in the paper place mats. I had already done the maze and with only 3 colours of crayon, couldn’t make anything that satisfied my standards. The green, blue and red snake that I had coloured mocked me. I sat for a while as outside had started to turn dark quickly. After half an hour or so, a man I knew entered the diner// He looked at me in puzzlement for a few seconds, then he had processed what he saw and he strode over to me. “Jacob? How? Why did you come, where is your sister?” “I came with Devan, but he had to go. I knew I could do it.” I had not picked up the anger in his voice in his first words but it soon became apparent to me that I was not going to get the proud reception from him that I had first expected. “Jacob, how could you be so stupid? Where did he go?” “I don’t know where he went and I don’t care! He had said that we shouldn’t wait for you and that I was being annoying because I wanted to!” I stammered out to my father. This, however, did nothing to put stem the anger in his eyes. He went to the phone on the counter and dialed he local police, “Yes hi my name is Jonathon McNeil, I want to put a search out on a 10 year old boy, about 4 foot 8. Complexion? Quite dark, brown eyes shaved head. He should be in the Glendale area, unaccompanied. Thank you.” He turned to me with a look that saddened me at a deep level, even at my young age. The anger had turned to weariness, he had to deal with too much too often to have time to punish me outside the look he gave me. You say that being physically punished would be far worse but I doubt it, I did not have to do much to keep my father contented with myself. But, the look he gave me hit met where it hurt, I was shamed, humiliated and the worst part was that there was nothing I could d to help it. There was nothing I could do for this man I loved and who worked tirelessly to keep a roof over my head, sacrificing his health and perhaps even sanity all for me and my sister’s sake. Luckily, I thought, he Devan had no number to reach his parent’s with and so the doubled shame f him having to explain what had happened would not force me into further hatred of myself. I returned to the booth where Devan and I had sat in before and my father walked into the kitchen with more effort than would normally be needed by a man of only forty-eight. I do not know when I had dozed off into a fitful sleep but I awoke to my dad shaking my shoulder calling my name. “They found him half an hour ago. He was sitting at a bus stop about a mile away. The police are driving him home” This was all he said as he took off his apron, put on his jacket and pulled me to the door of the diner. “I swear if you ever do this again…” But he trailed off, too worn to try and threaten me, Perhaps he knew that the shame was killing me and thought it enough of a punishment. Either way, it was the worst bus rides of my life. When my father stood up in anticipation of our stop I followed suit and bolted out the doors the first second they opened as the stale air and silence of the late night bus had slowly eaten away the pride which had gotten me into all of this. I stayed a few paces ahead of my father on the short walk back to our apartment and even stayed in front of him when he had to unlock the door. I ran into my room, changed and leaped into my bed, pulling up the covers in disregard of the heat. I lay for a while then slipped into another fitful sleep. Thankfully the next day was also a workday for my father and he was gone before I was up and so I had time to cheer myself up while I was eating my cereal. I’d had another stroke of luck in that my sister had been at her boyfriend’s house that night and so was not around to worry about me. She was none the wiser of last night’s dealings and so her usual upbeat ness helped me feel better. I bummed around the TV for longer than I usually did before I got out of my pajamas and headed to the park. Devan was in his usual spot reading a comic book with an amused look on his face. I was worried but I had to swallow the poison and approach him. I tried to act normal and keep my “Hey!” casual. He grinned back at me and I sat down next to him. “That was exciting!” He laughed at me, “I got to go home in a police car and I managed by myself, maybe I didn’t even need you in the first place.” Was he mocking me? He now held the high ground, and held it well, in his mind. I was shocked, it seemed illogical that even though he had ended up lost in the middle of a dirty city at night, he could still think he had won his own little challenge. His cheer had only made me feel worse about the guilt I had felt as I now knew that there was no point in me giving him a thought if he was just going to throw t back in my face. I was furious but I kept my cool, “Well you would’ve never made it there without me,” I pointed out. “I guess, but I could’ve gone somewhere else, had even more of an adventure.” This reinforced the idea growing in my head, he was saying these things because pride told him too and because he knew it was getting to me. I let it slide and offered to go stand in the sprinklers for a bit. It was unbearable to admit defeat but best friends were in short supply in a neighborhood like mine and without Devan I was nothing, had no one to compare myself to and compete with. //Our whole friendship wasn’t fighting and trying to better the other, we did enjoy hanging out with each other and when he wanted to be Devan could be quite the clown. This is what our friendship had happily come back to in the short confrontation and we resumed our usual practice of clambering around on the dilapidated jungle gym and played a bit of basketball before hopping in the sprinklers to escape the brutal summer heat. Even though Devan and I were back on our old track, it still bugged me how I had let my father down and since he was even more wrapped up in work than usual, I felt that he did not come home as often anymore because of me. The summer went by without any more incidents and my thoughts would soon be busy again as school was rapidly approaching. I would soon be in the 6th grade, the top of the heap at the school Devan and I went to. This was brilliant for us. We demanded the respect of all below us and reveled in the sway we held over the younger children. Being our egotistical selves, we often abused, well exercised, the control we had. This control as you may have guessed was not always won with favors and good manners. Devan was a good deal larger than many of the other kids even in our own grade as he had shot up during the summer. Being his friend clearly had benefits. Some people say that bullies often act as they do because they have their own problems which they have trouble dealing with. Once again the easy solution for people who knew about Devan and my actions would say that I was living in a bad environment and that my mother’s death had emotionally scarred me. This is complete crap frankly. As I said I was used to not having a mother and did not feel any real attachment to her. We bullied because we could and we got away with whatever we did. Why stop something that had no repercussions and was rewarding? This is quite cliché, but all that last year I did not pay for milk once and lunch very infrequently. It was a very good deal for me because I rarely did the extorting myself, Devan had that mastered. I would watch and be in awe of how he could intimidate anyone and how even the subtle movements and everything he did only added to the effect. Devan didn’t mind being the near entirety of the operation as it was an easy way to show who was boss not just to me, but also to the whole school. The best part was that we felt no remorse, and I still don’t, as it was somewhat expected of us to do it. We had been bullied when we were in the younger grades, albeit not as much as some of the other kids, but it is what we had been taught and circumstance dictated we had to. In a twisted sort of way, we kept order and maintained the structure we had learned. I believe Devan even went so far to see it as his duty to keep the younger kids in line and through his actions, maybe even foster the next generation of ‘peacekeepers’.This was the first time we had really caused intentional trouble but like I said, with no punishments following there was no reason to stop. Though some of he, for lack of better word, inspiration for our deeds came from our peers and elders, the true source of empowerment, for Devan at least, came from his brother. Rocco was 4 years the elder of Devan and so he adored his older brother and saw him as the example from which to base himself from. I had been friends with Devan for a very long time and it was not until the 5th grade I met him. When I saw him I thought to myself that I knew the reason Devan did not like being at home. I thought Devan was big and thuggish but Rocco put him to shame. Even at the age of 15 or 16, Rocco was taller than my father and twice as wide with arms like an elephant’s legs. He had a face that was hard to find good looking from any angle, with a portruding jaw and a small but very visible scar on his left cheek from where he claimed his father had had a go at him after he had ‘borrowed’ the family car. I think you understand he was overall not a nice guy and so I became somewhat frightened with Devan due to his fascination of his brother. With my best friend looking up to what even I knew to be the wrong type of person and with myself now without choice of separation from Devan for long, I was worried of the effects Rocco’s influence would have. When I say I had no choice of being away from Devan this was for 3 reasons really. The first being that there really was no one else who could replace him as many of the kids in the school feared me because of Devan and so many thought I was the same as him. Secondly, it was during school and so there were no real opportunities to not see him, being in the same class basically had us paired together all day everyday. The final reason was Devan himself. I feel guilty writing all this as it made my first and one of my best friends out as a bad person whom I was forced onto not and did not like spending tie with. Again I have to stress we are a product of our environment and Devan was still my friend and a nice guy to me. Anyway, it would be pushing it to say Devan was obsessive but he was somewhere along that track. He had become so accustomed to having me around and just coming over when he pleased that he would have been furious if I had tried to shy away from him. To try would have been very noticeable as he made sure he spent almost all his free time around me and so if I had turned him away he would have known something was up. So here I was trapped in my own life, though not nessecarily hating it as I was stuck with Devan. Also, by the end of that year Rocco’s influence had become apparent, his younger brother had stepped up his efforts to try and win Rocco’s respect. Devan had become more cruel in his bullying techniques, he started using physical violence as well as his normal intimidation to solidify his status as the head of the school. I was fine with the idea of causing a little mischief as long as no one got hurt but Devan had escalated it too much by the end of the year. I would like to say that I did this because I loved him, he was like a brother etc. but frankly, it was because he was going to get in trouble very soon and I would be pulled down with him. Even the faculty of the school thought we could not function without the other, an idea both of us dreaded as it went against us being independent and needing no one. I had to talk to Devan because I liked school and enjoyed it as doing well in it, which I often did, made me feel good and worth something. I knew that this would not be a fun conversation but I had to and so before school one day I told him to lay off a bit, “Dude we’ll get into serious trouble if anyone snitches now. Before we could just say we didn’t or something but now kids are going around with bruises, this has got to stop.” “Oh so now you mind, everyone knows the way things work around now. No one is stupid enough to mess with me, and I thought you, now.” He spat out rather arrogantly. “Yeah but is that worth being kicked out? “ I said, trying to logic him onto my side. “Look, no one is stupid enough to rat on me, they know I would beat the shit out of them if I did. That is not worth the risk of a bruise every few days, at least not to any sane person.” He grinned after this, it made for quite a disturbing moment. “Well if you get kicked out of here, you won’t be able to get your revenge will you? Do you really not get it? You’re going to get me into trouble too, I can’t have that happen.” “Now the truth comes out! Trying to save yourself, you think I’m dragging you down? Well you’re not as smart as you seem then are you? The only reason you have somewhere to fall from is cause I put you there cause you’re my friend. Good luck on your own.” My gut felt as if it had jumped off a building and so I was forced to go my own way. Devan continued his more ruthless path but thankfully I was never subject to it out of respect. Kids at the school were miserable and it seemed no one walked around with a cut or a bruised shoulder or two. I felt the worst though, people knew Devan and I had fallen out but I still had a bad taste in everyone’s mouth and so for the first time in ages, I was alone in the world. Every lunch and recess brought a sinking feeling with it and I started hating not having work as I had nothing without something to keep my mind occupied. I started to hang around after school and force teachers into long explanations of topics we had alluded to in class. In a way, I had become like Dev with my efforts to keep myself busy and away from home. But I did not force conversation for the sake of conversation, I legitimately enjoyed the extra learning and I my grades reflected that. I have always found knowledge empowering and the grades and always having interesting bits of trivia really boosted my self confidence. While I was out trying to secure a future for myself at the ripe age of 12, Devan had become even more forceful in his methods of extortion. He had became so infamous that at lunch and recess, he would command his own corner of the schoolyard and cafeteiria respectively. He had even started having a few lackeys about to run tasks for him and his reach over the school had never been bigger. This worried me as I knew Devan and I knew that given the opportunity to flex his muscle, he would. However, given the number of students now walking around visibly roughed up the teachers and faculty had started to notice. The school was quite large, taking kids from all around the nearby regions of the city, Inglewood, Hawthorne and Downey were all represented in force. Due to the large numbers, a few kids walking around with bruises didn’t seem too out of the ordinary but now Devan had expanded his so called ‘business’ and with his under thugs had reached out to a much larger percentage of the student body and so the staff had been alerted to the misdeeds of a certain group of individuals. They had an excellent clue as to who the perpertrator was and so when one boy, a small 4th grader called Nick I think, finally cracked after and especially bad beating the response was quick and deliberate. Devan was expelled from school. It was semi-surreal, he was 13 years old and previously my best friend and he was being expelled from an elementary school. When the news first went around I was relieved that I had gotten out in time but then I started thinking. What would happen in the summers when there was nothing to do but watch cartoons and soap operas all day? What would Devan’s father say, a man I met only once and would only ever want to meet once? Would Rocco be proud of his now officially delinquent brother who had terrorized an entire school? Those were odd thoughts but then the strangest notion came, that I had thought all of this before even considering what Devan had thought of this whole affair. I figured he may be quite proud of himself or very ashamed again because of what Rocco would say to him. So then even our emotions are dictated by others to some extent? For myself I hoped that the end of him would equate to a new start for me. With him gone and me still around perhaps the other kids would see that in fact I was rid of him and the stain he had put on my reputation. With only a few months left in the school year and with this idea in my mind, I was happy or at least contented once again. Doing extra work and staying after school to talk to my teachers had become habit and so I was still short of free time. The teachers did not know of what had happened with Devan and I and were fine with just thinking I was an eager student who wanted to do well and be n intelligent person, judgment that was partially true and one I most certainly had no problem with. I was starting to feel good again with school going as well as it could for being in 5th grade and the prospects of reassuming a role, any role really, in the social structure of the grade. It was off to secondary school next year with even more kids being pushed into the melting pot of the more impoverished regions of LA. These kids would not know of the deeds of the elementary school and almost certainly not of my relevance to them and so this coupled with Devan’s expected departure from our lives gave me a good chance of gaining a new place with new friends at a new school. I was feeling fine and dandy with most of the other kids in the grade feeling the same, excited with the idea of being in a new place and to get a new start buzzing about in their heads as it did in mine. But then, inevitably, summer came.// But then, inevitably, summer came. I had hoped everything would have sorted itself out by then and that all I had to do was keep an open mind and lay back. But, I quickly learned that my days were doomed to be filled with waking up late and watching TV or playing on my new Nintendo 64. The money that was spent on this came from God knows where. After a few weeks of a lulled social life and a life of any sort, I became sick of it and convinced myself to go make an effort to make some new friends or at the very least find something else to occupy my time. A stroke of luck had come my way near the very end of the school year, a new girl had moved into the hood and like myself, was desperate to find a few companions. I was aware that I was not exactly living the life of high society and was bemused by the idea that this girl, had willingly moved into where we lived. If it was a step up for her, where was the step down? I thought it was hard for it to get much worse than my hood, with its numerous boarded and graffitied buildings and vandalized mini-marts. You could tell this was not a good place to be from a mile away, from the second you saw the broken down cars and broken down buildings with matching broken people huddled in clusters smoking and spitting. For someone who was new to a pretty brutal setting, the new girl, Marie, was surprisingly upbeat. She really was just the type of person I needed, someone who would take me as a friend for the sake of a friend (this is not to say I am not a good friend, I think I am quite loyal) and someone who understood being set apart. I knew where she lived as I had been walking with Devan when I saw the big moving truck parked, engine rumbling outside a bloc of apartments a few blocks from the park. I thought it was probably too much to just stroll up to her door and demand her attention. After all this was a girl I had only ever sat a few lunches with and exchanged pleasant but brief conversation with. So instead of making a fool out of myself, I reached for the school directory and dialed her number. My stomach was aflutter with butterflies and the long, drawn out ringing was murder. I sat tense next to the phone and when it went to voicemail I slammed the receiver down in disappointment. So, for the rest of the day and the next few, I did my normal business but had now started included reading into my regimen. I had to visit the library as no one in my house had money to spare for books and it got me out of the house and into a place I loved. I was fascinated by the idea of putting all that knowledge and entertainment in one place so that everyone could enjoy it. Even the elderly and grouchy librarians who constantly complained about lack of funding could not bring my spirits down when I visited this place I loved. I did not try to place myself above my peers by reading the classics such as Shakespeare and Dickens, I would visit these later on, but rather read for the simple pleasure and so I often picked pretty basic books like run-of-the-mill sports novels and mysteries with predictable endings. Sometimes I would just stay in the library as it had air conditioning unlike at home and my father was still holding down his 2 jobs and my sister had taken a job as well at a Laundromat and so I was free and alone all day. I would bring the sandwiches my sister would make for me before she went off to work and plop myself in a corner near the back of shelves and read. One day, I had become quite tired of the soppy romance novel I had dared to venture into and so left the library a good deal earlier than I normally did. I walked my normal route home and when reached the apartment, the fist thing that caught my eye was the phone sitting on the kitchen counter. Without really knowing what was going on, I found myself with the receiver held up to my ear and the earpiece making lazy ringing noises. Then a break in the consistent chime, a short pause and then an older woman’s voice. “Hello?” “Hi is Marie there? It’s one of her classmates.” The originally stern tone melted away into a much warmer one, “Oh certainly honey. I will just call her over.” The earpiece went quiet as who I assumed was Marie’s mother went to get her daughter and the next voice I heard was much more familiar. “Hey?” ‘Hey Marie it’s Jacob from school.” I added perhaps a little too much skip in my voice and I panicked after I had spoken, so nervous over this first conversation with anyone in a while. “Oh hey, how are you?” “Good, the weather hasn’t gotten too out of hand yet so I’m all happy.” “Oh yeah I hear it gets really bad here sometimes.” “Yeah it makes you hate the sun sometimes,” I finished with a little chuckle to ease the conversations a bit, “What have you been up to?” “Oh nothing really, my parents have been working all the time so I don’t think I am really going away or doing anything. How bout you?” “Same really, my dad is always at work and so is my sister so I have jst been going to the library. Since both of us don’t seem to have that much going on, I was wondering if you want to do something this week?” “Sure what did you have in mind?” She seemed enthusiastic which helped me follow through with a bit less of a self-concious tone in my voice. And so we talked a bit more and arranged to go for a stroll around the neighborhood and then get a late lunch or early dinner The next day went very well and in a few weeks, we had started making our meet ups a pretty regular event. It turned out that we had a lot in common, we both had parents tha worked too much and we both loved reading and the great feeling of satisfaction from picking up a useful bit of knowledge. We started going into the city as well, finding our way around the many busy streets and districts. By this time, we had become well versed in the bus routes and the general layout of Los Angeles. We stopped at the diner a few times as well. I always liked this as in my mind, I was somewhat erasing the bad memory of Devan’s brash and foolish exit. The summer flew by with any good memories with Marie and with the library. The next school year went well too, the new school did indeed invite a lot of opportunities to make new friends and with Marie, this had become really easy. She was a very enjoyable person who it seemed could get along with anyone. This was not hindered at all by her good looks, which had certainly not evaded my eyes. I was starting to really enjoy life again as Marie and I had a newfound place in the social structure of the school and Devan was now out of my life. I was not even sure if he went to the junior high school, there were rumours that he had been sent to juve, but I didn’t believe that. Some people said he had just changed schools and was continuing his reign of terror there. Either way, I didn’t see him and I rarely heard about him. The kids who wouldn’t approach me before because of Devan’s shadow had seemed to have forgotten my long lost ex-best friend and picked up on my connection to the now famous Marie. My grades surprised even me as I had still found time to go and talk to my teacher’s and to make regular trips to the library, partially out of habit and partially out of enjoyment. The next summer and the next year were very similar to that first glorious years with a couple of social intrigues and minor scandals being the only things marring them. Marie had gotten her first boyfriend, a boy named Mike who I approved of and who played basketball with me on the school team, not the brightest bulb but a nice guy. I had grown quite a bit and skinnied out as a result,. This gave me a solid and lean build, perfect for basketball which was now becoming a big part of my life. One day, it had to happen. The junior high school I went to was fenced off from the street with a deteriorating paved yard and then the school itself a few metres back. I walked out of math and was moving to my normal spot where Marie and all of our friends met after to recap the day when I saw him. He was barely recognizable and had become a frightening doppleganger of his brother. I had though I had grown, but whatever I had put on, Devan had doubled. He had bulked out even more as well acquiring a rather bristly beard that made him look more like a caveman than the friend I had once kept. I had caught his eye and he mine but I tried to play if off as if I my eye had skipped him and I tightened myself into the circle of people around me and made sure I did not look out of the group again. When everyone had decided to go to the convenience store next to the school I panicked and was forced to check for Devan again. However, after a few moments of panning the schoolyard and beyond, he was nowhere to be seena nd it was as though I had only imagined his presence in the first place.I was slightly on edge for the rest of the day, something Marie noticed and pulled me to the side about when everyone else was occupied. "Jacob, what's wrong? You've been really quiet and distracted since school ended." "Oh, uh, its nothing, just a long day really. I'll be all set tomorrow." She knew me too well, "Really Jacob, be honest with me, what's on your mind?" There was no point trying to play it down or ignore the problem, Devan had caught up with me and he was going to catch up with my new life too. So, here and i left the others and went to the nearby park as I started to explain that i thought I had seen something that I hoped, prayed even, was not there and told of my younger life and Devan. I told Marie about the diner and how unreasonable Devan was, she appreciated where I was coming from because her parents were similiar. I did make sure to skip about how upset my father had gotten at me and made up an alternate ending where Devan came back to try and avoid marie asking questions that might force the truth out of me. I told her about how he made me hang around with him when he bullied all the other kids, something she already knew about though did not experience much of as she knew to avoid Devan. Finally, I came to our divide which she applauded me for, telling me I had to do what I did because it was right which cheered me up. After my whole story came the awkward pause where Marie had to think about what to say.

"So what do you think will happen now?' She asked/ "I don't know, maybe he thinks I betrayed him and hes going to get back at me. He always used to threaten the kids eh beat up that if he ever caught them snitching he would beat them in until they thought harder about it next time. I think he was being sincere." We were both staring at the ground in front of the bench we often sat on. Once again there was a pause. "I don't know what to do, I mean there isn't anything we can do." "I guess we have to wait and see what he does, if he does anything at all," Marie agreed. We got up said our goodbyes and we both went home. As was often the case, no one was at home which meant no one would pry about why I looked so sad. I went to the fridge and got out the pasta from last night that ym sister had amde and put in the microwave. After I had finished eating I flipped on the news which only reminded me that the whole planet was in decline not just me, mass grave found in Guatemala, war criminal tried in the Sudan and even an article on a shooting of a 14 year old boy who lived 2 miles from the school. Feeling sorry for myself, I went to bed a few hours earlier than normal and hoped that whatever was going to happen, would happen soon. I tried to keep my mind off Devan the next day and when I didn't see him again it only worsened my fear and made my specualtions wilder. A week went by without seeing him again and during the last few days I started to think I had only envisioned him after all and lulled myself into a sense of security. This was bad, especially when he rang my doorbell that Sunday afternoon. Devan was exactly as I had seen outside of the school, it hadn't been a figment of my imagination. He was tall, bulky and brutish and from the distance I had first seen him, I did not pick up on the small tattoo of a coiled cobra on his forearm. He was unlike any other 16 year old I had ever seen and not in a good way.

"Hey man, been a long time," He said as he strolled in through the door like he was entitled to the apartment. "Wasn't a way I could forget you even after all this time. How's everything?" Meekly I replied, "Good, school's easy." I hated that even his presence made me try to brag about something he probably didn't even care about. "I saw you with some fine looking girl last week, came to try and pay a visit but Roc said he needed me before I could introduce myself." "Oh Marie, yeah she's really cool. What are you doing for Rocco if you don't mind me asking?" "He likes to bring me along on some of his business, gives me a bit of the cut, pretty easy money." "What sort of business?" "Well when I got to juve, Roc was smart enough to figure that our own solo operation wasn't enough, too easy to get singled out. So he started talking to one of his friends, his friend got him talking to a guy and the guy got him into a group of, lets say, like-minded individuals. When I got out, Roc had a solid enough reputation to hook me up too and to start gettin me out proving myself to the guys." "So your saying you joined a gang?" " We don't like that, makes it seem like we don't think the right way." " You joined a gang to stay out of trouble, Devan thats just stupid." "Shut your ass up, just cause you can't do what I can, your jealous." I ignored him. "And what's the 'right' way to think?" "Now you're interested aye?" He gave out a small arrogant chuckle before continuing, "See we always got each other's backs, we know that we can cover for each other, cops come by asking about about a missing TV we say, well it wasn't us we were all together last night and they can't prove otherwise. Stuff like that." "You rob people?" I should have thought as much but I had known Devan and I had thought he would not be stupid enough to go this far. I liked to tihnk the kid who used to be my best friend was of a slightly higher caliber, it reflected on me who my friends were. "Sometimes, sometimes we do other stuff." He said this with a great deal of pride which came out as quite disturbing for me. "Devan I told you that you'd get in trouble and you did, you ended up in Juve for christ's sake. You think you're gonna be fine now cause you've got some thug friends now? Wake up!" "Shut the hell up, you don't get it. You're a god damn coward who thinks he knows everytihng because the A on his report card tells him that. You think you're too good Jacob but you're nothing." he got out of the chair and headed to the door, before he left he spat on the floor and rubbed it in with his sneaker before finally slamming the door and heading outside. I stayed in the living room furious and semi-dazed. Devan was a moron and I knew he was going to get back at me, he was the type who would take strong words as a threat to his manhood and make sure that you knew he could make your life hell to 'educate' you. The next day I told Marie about what had happened and she immediatly became worried. She started tihnking the worst, that Devan would come with hsi brother and his goons and rough me up. I thought this was unlikely, even though Devan was more reckless than I figured he would be, he would never confront me directly, it was much too dangerous for him. After reinforcing this point numerous times, Marie calmed down but would occasionally comment about being careful for him. Once again I forced him to the back of my mind and for the most part it worked. I didn't hear from him and that was fine with me but things started happening that had his mark. The laundromat where my sister worked was broken into and the office cleared out. A few months later Mike, now Marie's ex but still a friend, was mugged on his way home from the movie theatre in Inglewood. Though Inglewood was a bit away, I just felt that it had been some of Devan's pals who had done it. I didn't believe in the coincidence of it after the laundromat. Though these events were worrying and unnerving, they didn't really get to me directly and for the most part, life went on as usual. But as Devan had done in elementary school before, he pushed and escalated. A few more people I knew got jumped a few more places near to me were robbed and a few cars on my street were hot wired. Maybe Devan's little operation did work as the cops didn't come to any conclusions, though from these guys you couldn't really expect much. Everyone started noticing now and people started taking more precautions. This did little to stem the spread of crime and only encouraged more intense means of entry and mugging. A few kids a month would go home then come in the next day with broken arms, fingers and black eyes. As it had to, it went too far. I was in the high school now and I invited Marie to one of our basketball games on a Friday night. It was home game which we won and everyone was feeling pretty good as we had beaten continued our 4 game winning streak. Everyone agreed to go to nearby diner to hang out and celebrate and everyone headed over to grab some milkshakes and so on. Well, everyone but Marie as she had to go home to drop her sweater off and grab some money and then she said she would meet us there. I didn't think he would do it and things weren't bad enough to seriously consider changing plans because of the risk Devan and Rocco's friends posed. This coupled with the general mood being one of excitement and confidence allowed Marie to be left to walking home alone. We assumed that her parents had made her stay in that night for some reason or other. But, A block and a half from the diner, near the Shell gas station, a couple of guys in bandannas and baseball caps surrounded her and forced her into the alley opposite one of my friend's apartment. They knocked her down and took her purse and searched it for anything of interest or worth. When they weren't satisfied they roughed her up a bit, nothing too bad thankfully. They didn't go as far as breaking anything but she did have a few marks on he arms from where one of the shit heads grabbed and pushed her and a few bruises from being hit and slapped. If Devan wanted a response, he sure knew how to get one from me and when she showed up at my door the next day I was ready to kill. If I had the chance, at that moment I wouldn't have let anything hold me back. I wouldn't have stopped until the guy who did this was on the floor bleeding and crying for me to stop. Lucky for him he wasn't within an arms reach then. When Marie had told me about what had happened I thought it through and swore to make Devan pay. After I had tried to comfort her and she had gone home, I put my shoes on and walked over to Devan's house. I rang the bell, the whole time rage boiling inside of me, and when Devan opened the door my first though was to knock one of his teeth out. He laughed as I walked by him into his house like he had done to me. Even in my anger I was surprised by the state of the place. Even in the neighborhood I lived in there were places considered to be low and Devan's area was one of them. The room smelt of stale meat and old beer. The room leading from the door had a tipped over chair with the stuffing falling out and a coffee table with cracked glass and a stack of plates that had something white on them. It took a few moments for me to take all this in and when I had recovered I stared Devan in the eye and said, " You didn't. You didn't." He grinned his cocky, vulgar grin and winked at me. That was enough to set me off, I needed to knock him off his damn throne. he thought i wouldn't do anything I needed to show him I could and would.I lunged at him and knocked him to the floor, he was caught off guard and so I managed to get 2 or 3 knocks to the faace off before he reacted by flipping himself on top, pinning me with his knees and socked me in the stomach with his massive ogre-like hands. He punched with immense force that startled me. He aimed a second jab at my face but I wriggled free and sprung to my feet and tried to kick him in the ribs but he elbowed my leg mid sweep and I staggered backwards. He had fought or at least used his limbs to cause harm before unlike myself who was just guessing at what to do next. it was his turn to come at me and so I waited until he started to lumber forward and darted to the side and made contact with my fist to his cheek. I didn't wait for him to come around and moved in closer to him and kneed him in the side, just below the ribs. I may have gotten his kidney as his eyes flew wide and he panted heavily. I had done the wrong thing, now I had taken it too far. he picked up one of the old plates and flung it at me, I winced and ducked as it rocketed past my head and shattered on the wall behind me. In the time I ducked he ahd picked up another and charged toward me. When I looked up he was holding it abopve his head and he brought it smashing down on my head. I became dizzy and felt that if I moved, my head wold fall into pieces. I blinked repeatedly but it did nothing to clear my vision and before I knew what was going on, I had slipped into blackness. I don't know where I was in the time in between, but when I woke up I was in the park on the bench Marie and I had sat on when Devan had first appeared. My head was rocking and my ears were ringing slightly. the night around me was dark and I wondered how long I had been out considering it was drawing near to the end of spring and I had gone to Devan's in the early evening.I stood up after a few tries and every step was a chore but i managed to get myself home and into bed. My sister came into the room and wished me a good night saying she would leave dinner on the table for tomorrow or something along those lines. The lights were off and i had the covers pulled high so I don't think she saw whatever battle scars I most likely had. Sleep came easily and I welcomed it eagerly as the whole ordeal had left me dazed, aching and exhausted. Thankfully the next morning was kind to me and I woke up not feeling half as bad as I thought I would and everything seemed to be in place so I didn't have to worry about any sort of hospital visit. When I went to the bathroom after breakfast, I checked myself in the mirror. there were marks but nothing too serious I thought; a massive bump on my head, an especially purple bruise on my stomach and a few smaller scrapes and bruises on my face. its odd that one of my first reflections on my appearance was that I looked pretty bad-ass.After all, I was only 17 at the time I think and this was my first violent encounter ever. I hoped it was also the last given the way it went but as always, it was too much to ask. I decided to take the day off school to get myself fully back together and spent the day in front of the TV in my pajamas. Oddly, I was not even that mad that Devan had beaten my head in as I could not really expect much more given his size and experience. In fact, I was impressed with myself that I had mustered up enough courage (or rage) to even go to Devan's house in the first place. I had left a few solid blows on him so if I was lucky he was feeling or at least bearing a bit of the hurt I thought I had put on him. It was a pretty nice day, relaxing on the couch quite happy with myself and when I became hungry, the food my sister had mentioned the night before tasted that much better when eaten with a bit of self-confidence. I went to bed late and happy that night. I couldn't take another day off school and so I raised myself, I was starting to ache now from where Devan had socked me, and took the bus to school. People asked me all day about my bruises which everyone thought were much worse than I had and I explained to them that Devan and I had gotten in fight and had put the hurt on each pretty bad. As I had to, I made sure it seemed like I really beat him in badly so it didn't seem as bad to explain the now apparent extent of the damage he had inflicted on me. I tihnk I made quite the story teller and by the time I had finished recounting the events, everyone gained a new respect for me. When it came to Marie, however, she was not as happy as I thought she would be. After all, I had put myself in harms way to stand up for her but she made it clear that she didn't want me to. "You're an idiot! How could you even think of doing it? You've seen what hes done to some of these other kids, I'm surprised he didn't break one of your ribs!" "Well I got him a bit too..." " I don't care whether you broke his arm or made him need a new nose, that's not the point!" " Look, Marie, I can't let him jsut push everyone in my life around as he pleases, he has got to grow up and learn." " Yeah well you don't have to be the one to teach him! Tell the police tell his father, I don't know. But don't go looking for a fight that will end up with you bruised or worse." Her chastisement hurt my feelings and pride as I had hoped she would have thought of me as her protector, her guardian. At the same time I was sort of flattered by her concern over my well being and the jumble of emotions resulted in me apologizing and telling her I wouldn't go after Devan again, not that I particularly had any desire to. He had more than proven he was capable of taking me out if he felt like it, those first moments of the fight had been a game to him. After she finished telling me off, she looked at me a gave a sad smile and sharply turned her head away before standing up and walking off. She couldn't hide the tire that had rolled down her cheek, gleaming brightly on her tanned skin. I thought about what was happening to my world, it was slowly falling to pieces, once again because of Devan. Everyone had been startled by Marie's attack, they thought that she was immune from my personal strife for the same reason I was, as it was to target me and make me regret messing with Devan. If I had been included it would not have felt as bad for me as everyone would know I had taken what they had, but instead people had come to despise my special but cursed position. then my thoughts wondered to what would happen to me now, maybe I had taken myself down as the untouchable one? Maybe Devan had been waiting for me to move so he could justify acting directly at me? I am sure in his mind he had plenty of reason before but perhaps he was waiting for me to sink to his level so he could draw me into his game then humiliate me at it. His game was a game without rules now thanks to me, I had enabled him to tread any one of his dastardly paths guilt free or at least without feeling like he was getting in too deep. When my sister and father saw the marks I just told them a kid had made fun of me and when I couldn't talk him down, we fought. My sister was horrified, the thought of anyone hitting anyone was enough to make her hysteric. My father was quite bemused and had a smirk on his face when I told him. I tihnk he knew I was making quite a bit of the story up, but regardless of the back story, I had been in a fight and I had defended myself. I never really got to know my father, but I can see him being the type who would respect a person for fighting for something important, in this case my pride. Gaining a little bit of his respect felt good considering the last time I had to deal with him and the topic was at the diner all those years before. Hopefully this glimpse of my life made him think I had changed into a better person based on his standards. A funny thing happened a few weeks after, I got elbowed in the jaw at a basketball and when my father came home the next day, he assumed I had once again gotten in a scrap and gave me quite a mischeivious smile and wink and left me a few dollars to go out and eat. During these weeks, the opposite of what I had expected happened. There were no more jumpings, robberies etc. outside of the pre-Devan amounts. I knew most of the kids who had done these anyway, stolen a car for a few hours and so on. They were dumb but didn't really mean any harm. From this, I sort of assumed that maybe I had indeed scared him off or satisfied him if he was looking for a fight with me. There had come a few weeks of much needed peace and restored order to the high school and everyone seemed to appreciate the break. It was odd to see Devan's surprising reign over a school he didn't even go to because it was one of those things that you don't appreciate until its gone, except a little mixed up in this case. I saw Devan a few times before the school year finished but he didn't pull anything just looked at me and kept going. it was inevitabale that I would see him, he lived only a few blocks from me and everyone had to go to the same palces to do the same thing and Devan was no exception. We didn't bother acknowledging each other, we merely knew the other was around still. After that summer, it was the last year in high school and basketball and my still superb grades, I hoped to get out of the hood and leave Devan forever on a scholarship to UC Santa Fe. I wasn't coming from the most prestigious school but I was a hard worker and I had good reason to try. If I could get enough of a scholarship, I would be the first in my family to ever get past high school except for my grandfather who went to a technical school. I doubled down and split most of my free time between practicing at the courts or going back to the library to do some extra studying. The school year that was rapidly approaching would be the last in the high school and the last time I had to hang around L.A. Once again, I was lulled into a state of unwawarenss and a false sense of security. Maybe Devan had been laying low or maybe some deep hatred in him had re-awoken but now, he had pushed the envelope too far again. A group of 4 large men broke into the Laundromat on a Wednesday evening carrying baseball bats and ski masks demanded the the safe in the office be cleared out and everyone in the place to turn out their pockets. The safe had been emptied int the bank only a few days before. This was alaundromat, not a casino, so in the few days following, the small steel box had not had much more money placed in it. The thugs who were unhappy with this turned violent and started smashing the coin-op machines with the bats. Though unhurt, my sister dreaded violence and was in shock for a week after, she wouldn't talk or eat much. My father became so worried he even managed to scrounge a day off from the diner and so was able to come home and eat with us. This helped but regardless, she quit and remained around home for a while. Only a day after this, another kid showed up to school bruised up, fearful to say anything about it. But we all knew, Devan had continued his god damn was against my life and I was tired of i, we all were. I needed a way to fix it, permanently and a way that made sure I wouldn't have to get done in myself. I may have tried to be noble but I was still self-centered, and I don't regret it. If I had acted stupidly, I could have been put in hospital bed for weeks perhaps months. There was a group of guys, not so different from Devan's 'friends', who hung around the market where my mom had been killed and I avoided this place for obvious reasons. I knew one or two of them from school and I figured that if there was a quick way to fix this, these guys would be the way. I didn't see myself as joining gang or sinking down to Devan's level. I figured if I could perhaps help them with one or two things, they could maek sure people stopped having to face a problem I had sort of created. I told myself I would never get into anything serious and from that, would come out of the ordeal the same pure spirit I had been going into it. I talked to one of the guys who often went down to the market during class one day and he said he could talk with the guys and probably figure out an agreement. He came back the next day saying that I should go with him to meet the boys after school. He told me that I had to respectful and as long as I didn't look completely pathetic, the could use me for soemthing. So I followed him down and came to face the people I hoped could fix my problem. A man in his mid 20's much my own size was the first to speak, "You don't seem so bad. Bigger than I thought you'd be, and your not fat, that's always good. Too many fat people in this damn place." I didn't really know what to make of this, was it a compliment? Or was he just making observations? "You ever stolen something before?" Asked a rather stout but built like a freight train hispanic looking guy. "Uhh no not really...." He spat on the ground. The first man spoke again, "Ah well, your still young right? Anyway, I'm Sean and this is my little outfit. Come and sit with us for a while and we can talk about what seems to be troublin' ya. See, people only come here if the're stupid, or they need something fixed that they can't get done themselves. You don't look stupid and Jimmy says you aren't so you gottta be here for the latter." He surprised me with his speech, he didn't sound dumb himself and his words had a certin power with him. it was clear why these guys let him head whatever it was they did. Sean asked a few questions and explained that he knew where I was coming from. I was introduced to the other guys and told that as long as I did what they told me to do, I wouldn't have to watch my back for Devan and his own little posse of thugs. Then sesnsing it was time, returned home to think over what I had committed myself to. I was summoned back the next day by Tim, the kid in my grade who had first taken me into the group. Sean was busy puffing on what I thought was a cigarette at first but had quite a different smell. I waited until he had finshed and handed it to the gu next to him. He looked at me and smiled, "We are gonna try you out. Nothing too difficult no worries. Just gotta make sure you can get our backs when we need you to. We need to know that we can depend on you, then you can depend on us. Fair enough?" I nodded, I knew this wasn't going to be a free favor, had to give some to get some. "Good, that's the attitude we need. Some clown has been leaving this nice and juicy Cadi down on Belmont Ave. Someone that stupid doesn't deserve a car of that caliber, see where I'm going?" I once again nodded and asked what I was supposed to do in this operation. "Well you don't have to take out the window or anything, just hang about on the street corner and if anything or anyone who could look at this the wrong way comes along, give us a it of a heads up so we can keep ou noses clean." I couldn't really complain as it was a better job than I could hope for and it wasn't me actually committing the crime. I knew I could handle this, my nerves wouldn't get in the way of something like this and so I agreed to Sean's delight and he told me the details. That Friday I was to meet them here at the usual spot at 10 and we would move down together, provided the car had been spotted before that day, and Sean would direct us to our posts. I didn't want to step out of place as I was trying to win these guys over but I had to ask Sean what he was going to with the car. If it was like he had described it, it wouldn't be easy to cruise around in without being noticed. He then asked how did I think he could afford a 200 dollar pair of shoes, winked, and walked away. I liked that he could have a little fun with what he was doing, it made me feel more confident in him and made him seem more or a person than a mindless brute that I had come to expect from the people who dealt in this sort of business. Sean was a good guy, just a product of his, our, environment. When Friday came, I was buzzed all day, ready to go. Part of the vibe came from wanting to get it over with and part of it came from the anticipation of the thrill of being involved in something illegal. I didn't bother trying to do something after school, there was no way I could focus on anything else and so I went home. I tried to watch TV for a bit but nothing was on, I paced and then tried to nap to get some energy up for the night. my mind wouldn't shut off and I ended up just lying with the covers half way up and all my clothes still on running every possible outcome in my head. It was funny how even the ones that ended up with me arrested didn't scare me. When the time came for me to get going to the hangout spot, I lashed my shoes on gave myself a quick once over in the mirror and headed out the door. As usual, the group was assembled in a circle smoking and chatting. I gently nudged myself into the inside and Sean gave me a nod to acknowledge my presence and when he had taken one last drag from his cigarette, flicked the butt to the floor, and told us to follow him. Silently the six of us started heading toward Belmont Ave in silence. When we started drawing nearer, Sean directed one of the boys to a corner and then dropped another on a street parallel to Belmont and then finally, I was told to hang on the corner opposite the way we had come. I was told that if I saw any lights, I had to sprint back to the car and get everyone ready to book it out of there. With a pat on the back, Sean and 2 others headed off to the idle Cadillac to do their business. I slouched against the wall of one of the buildings and my eyes darted around, looking for signs of trouble. I pushed my hand into my pocket and pulled out a stick of gum and silently began chewing. A few miuntes passed and still nothing happened so I began pacing around the lamppost and my mind wandered. However, i was jerked back into reality by a quiet but shrill wailing noise, sirens were nearby. I gave the sirens a few seconds to try and determine which way they were heading and upon being assured that they were coming somewhat nearer to me, bolted down the block to where Sean said he would be. I did not see him at first due to the flickering bulb that was supposed to be on this section of the street and so I hastily looked around. I saw the car and when the light flickered I could see Sean and the two guys smiling and sitting inside the expensive automobile. I ran to the window and tapped it, oddly none of the windows had been broken. "Hey man what's happening?" " There were sirens, we should get out of here right?" " Nah, the idiot didn't even lock the damn door, " he said cackling, "Come on hop in, we'll go pick up the others and get this job done with." So, Sean opened up the compartment under the steering wheel and fidgeted with a few wires before the car came to life and we went to go get the other look outs and cruised back to our normal spot where Sean directed us to get out as he went to the garage his friend ran t trade this fine ride in. We waited around till we saw Sean swaggering towards us eyes alight. "Well that was worth it!" He beamed, " Quick and clean job for a good ride, Mike noticed and rewarded us fairly" He presented a stack of bills, mostly 100's from what I could tell and everyone huddled closer around him. he began cutting the loot between the guys and even I got a bit of it. Sean gave me an extra 20 for my 'concern of the safety' of the rest of the group which I guess meant he was happy I hadn't ditched him and had done my job well. Being tangibly rewarded for hard work was nice and I was even eager to maybe do another job in the not too distant future. Sean said he had to go treat his girl to something nice and left us. Slowly the group disbanded as we went home or went to the city to enjoy the rest of the night. The next day I went down outside the convenience store on my own accord to see what was going on. I was curious to see what he was going to do about Devan and his group as I was hoping that the previous night's work had been enough to prove my willingness to hold u my end of the deal. "Well we know who these guys are, most of them at least, not the most subtle bunch to be sure. See this doesn't work like in the movies, I can't just say your with me now, no that wouldn't do anything. We have to wait for them to do something again. If they jump someone you know, we have an excuse to get one of them you get it? We do a good enough job perhaps 2 or 3 times and you'l be all clear, he'll get that he shouldn't be coming around here." "So we just have to wait for them o make the first move?' "Pretty much, that way you don't feel so bad about beating a guy raw," he laughed, "and its not so hard, just tail the guy for a while or figure out where he goes and take him somewhere quieter and work him over. I've already given this a bit of thought and there's a newer one of the guys who seems to be getting them pretty active." It didn't take long for something else to happen, when I heard that a sophomore had been mugged, i rushed to the convenience store with the news. It seems sort of eerie now that I was ecstatic over a kid being jumped. Anyway, Sean said that everything was set and that the day after we would have our first chance to get Devan and his group out of my life. I wasn't allowed to nor did I want to along with Sean. He brought the older and bulkier guys who I had figured could put the hurt on anyone real bad if they wanted to. I met up with them 3 hours after they had left at the nearby diner and the group recounted what had happened. " This guy was good, a real asshole," started Juan, the freight train who had adressed me on the first day, "but we had the numbers and aren't too bad ourselves," he finished with a touch of pride. " We backed him into the parking lot down on Washington and shook him down, he got a few good hits on us before we really let loose. He's gonna be in a good bit of pain for a while." Sean finished. . I was happy that this was getting underway and I didn't feel the remorse I thought I would have given that I had a guy beaten to a pulp on my request. maybe because I knew this was what I had to do to get Devan to stop and he had forced me to these lengths. I had kept Marie on the dark about all this as I knew she would hate me for it. I needed to sort this out and my way, a way she would completely dissapprove of. She would learn soon enough though. After school one day all of our group of friends were hanging around the schoolyard as we did when once again it happened. Devan was standing across the street glaring at me. His face wasn't quite right though, from the distance it looked as if someone had spilled purple and maroon paint on his face. Fear rushed into me instantly, Sean had chosen the wrong person to start something with and I was going to have to pay the consequences.

What was to happen next! Devan would get his revenge by nearly beating Jacob to death and so the conflict between the 2 gangs would escalate resulting in the members of both going to more desperate measures, something Jacob had always wanted avoid as he hates violence. Sean and his boys would eventually mug and capture Devan and try and force Jacob to kill him to try and solve all his problems. Jacob realizes that this is madness and so flees into police custody where he chooses to move to the east coast and go to college there. Then flashes forwards to 10 years later where Jacob is now a teacher writing his story in New York. Points to understand: Devan feels betrayed by Jacob and by nature, seeks revenge. To some extent he does what he does because 1. he enjoys it and 2. because he can This revenge gets out of hand and starts to effect Jacob's life and feel responsible for the danger he has gotten the people he knows in and so tries to intervene. This does not work out as Jacob had planned and is sucked into a much more dangerous conflict.