Her+(kishory)

 Kishory Murray 5/19/10 **The Diary of Her ** She’s always been a wild and stubborn type of person. But it was always like me and him were meant to be partners in crime forever, even from the beginning of time. I yelled and he screamed. She ran out the small apartment looking for a way to escape the yelling and screaming.

My little brother was my best friend, my only friend in fact. In some ways he was basically my son too. My mother on the other hand, she was my enemy, but not my only one though. In the war of crack habits and absences, I had lost, and she had won. We then had become enemies.

It was more like I was the mother, but she was the child kicking and screaming to run and leave.

There it had happen again. It was just us too. Me cooking dinner, him watching our broken down TV. I forced him to get off of the sofa. He jumped off the rugged messed up old piece of trash that we had found in an ally, and hopped on the floor to his bag.

When it came to school we tried to look as normal as we could. People judged too much.

So there he sat. His navy blue spider-man back pack all over his lap, as he started pulling and pushing things out and in of the dumb old thing. I glanced down to check on the boiling pasta, then walked to Sammy.

I gave his head a little rub, then began playing with his uncut and untamed hair.

“What you got to work on to night big boy?” I asked, as I always did.

He was far from big, smaller than I was at his age. He was just about 9. His eyes were darker than night its self; his hair grew in blond, curly, and full of bounce. His skin was soft and the color of the dirty white sweater he wore every day.

Me. I was different. My eyes were blue as the sky; my hair grew in brown and straight. I had the skin of my mother, pale as paper. “ Some Math and English. I need some help. Can you help me?”

“ yeah of course.”

We finished fast, so when she got back we’d be in bed sleeping.

We raced to the sink n washed our face n brushed our teeth, and then threw our pajamas on. He lay there next to me. The little twin sized bed shouldn't have been able to fit both of us, but it did, perfectly. We both laid there, no words spoken, just in silence.

Tears always fell from my face at night. I wonder if he knew that. I wonder if he could feel them. For that second, I just closed my eyes and saw the usual. The darkness.

chapter 1))

The light gleamed through the shades and hit my face directly in my eyes. I rolled over in the little space I had. Nudged Samuel in the process, to hint to him I wasn’t comfortable. He naturally moved over a little bit n pushed the covers off of him. Unaware of the time i glanced up at the undigtial clock, trying to figure out what time it was in the mid dark. It was still early in the morning, my alarm had not gone off just yet for school.

After about five minutes i figured out it was just about 5:00 in the morning. I closed my eyes gently, trying to fall back to sleep. BUZZ. BUZZ. BUZZ. BUZZ. Sam. popped up and shook me till I too was awake. I sat up with my head in my hands. He got up and walked to the bath room, drowsy. I got dressed before Sam got out of the bathroom.

It was just one big room connected to a kitchen on one side, and on the other side connected to a small full bath room. He exited the bathroom and walked over to the bed area where i had his clothes set out. We switched places.

When we were ready we grabbed our lunches i had packed of left overs and walked to the bus stop to catch the 923 bus connection to school. On the bus was this man. A man who was always on that same bus that came at 7:00 in the morning. The same bus we hoped on every morning. Yeah. The 923 bus connection. He always stared at us, like he new us from some where or some thing. Sam always said he looked familiar. He was sorta thick and chunky, defiantly well fed. He had blown dark hair that curled down to his ears. He just stared hard at us two. We were the only kids on the bus. I took Sam to school every day, just us two. Me at 13, and same at 9. We often held hands while we walked, just naturally. I guess it gave us a connection or feeling that we would never leave each other behind.

We kept walking. He walked right along me, like a white shadow. He went to a school near mine. it was about a 10 minute walk from where the bus dropped us off. Mine was a little ways farther. As we approached his school about 15 minutes early we said our good byes and hugged. I continued to walk, then soon began to run. i always ran about 5 minutes into the walk. I don’t know why, I just always did. I guess its because i was afraid of being alone. I don’t know really why though. It shorted the walk, that was the only benefit besides of the work out i didn’t need at all. I was stick then, perfect figure, as everyone said it. I just ran, even up the stairs to my locker. I was about 10 minutes early. My school had started about 20 minutes after Sam's. I was always alone during school.

I didn’t have many friends, but everyone seemed to still be mean. Some laughed when i walked by; some pointed and whispered. I know i don't fit in. They called me white trash and freak. My clothes were far from up to date. I was just happy because i had clothes. There was another girl who was like me. She sat alone. She was different from me though. She never spoke. I knew she could because i heard her talk to a teacher. I guess she just liked sitting alone.

Some kid threw a piece of bread at her head while i stared at her in the lunch room. She didn’t move or turn or stop eating. She just kept going. I picked up all my stuff and stopped before i took a step out of my seat. What i was doing was the right thing to do. I walked over to her. Sat down with out an invite. She looked up at me, like she expected me to sit her one day.

“Why do you take their shit from them? You shouldn’t let them throw things at you.” I looked down at the bread that had landed on the floor, right beside her bag. It had grape jelly, yogurt, fluff, oil, and gum on it. I picked up the bread from the chucks that were absent of all the substances. Threw it in the trash, right along with all her trash.

I asked my self why i was sticking up for her, but at the same time, i was telling my self because i had to. She just sat there in silence. Nothing said, and nothing done. I sat there for the rest of lunch. You could tell that me sitting there made her feel awkward, and strange, but i stayed. She needed a friend; I needed a friend. We needed each other.

When the bell rang i got up and said, " See you later. How about lunch tomorrow?" She didn't answer, so i said my byes and went into the halls of hell. I walked through the hall way with my books in my hand, backpack on my back, and head held straight up. I ignored the glances, the ugly looks, and the whispers. I kept telling myself I don't care, I don't care; They don't know any about me, none of them.

I turned left into what i had thought was the class room. I ran right into Amanda. Her make up, books, and cell phone dropped to the ground. I rushed to my knees to pick them up. I gathered them so fast, sweeping the broken make up into the bottles so she wouldn't realize i broke them. I exhaled with pain in my breath. She kicked me hard in the side of my stomach with her pink Gucci shoes. She bent over, reached for her things. Her blond hair swept down, and her baby blue eyes connected with mine and said, "Oops, didn't see you." She smirked and went her way down the hall. I slowly got up to me feet. The pain was horrible, but i kept going. I took the right left turn into the class room, and i made sure it was that turn; I didn't want a repeat of what just happen.

School ended, and i rushed outside to meet Samuel near the fence of my school. At the entrance there she was, Amanda. There he was, like usual, at the fence. I held my side and ran to him, limping. rushing i brushed past them, and got to Sam and rushed him across the street.

"Why are u limping? What happen?""Nothing, lets just get home, SAM. "

We took the 923 bus route home in silence. He knew the obvious, but didn't question me more than what i already told him.

When we got home the door was already open. There she was. Searching through boxes and draws."Mom!" we stood there in the door way." Huh?! oh hey Sammy and Julie. I didn't realize you came in. Didn't hear y'all. "As I closed the door I looked at Sam, he had that look like he always had on his face when she came home. The look of hope and happiness. At his age I had given up on hope in her, I didn't understand why he didn't too.

"You left the door open you know?"

"Oh. Yeah. I was just about to leave.."

"Again? For how long this time? We need some food, you know. " "Well, since you guys are home now, come here and talk to me."

I walked to the bath room and shut the door hard. I looked in the mirror at myself. I had heavy dark bags under my eyes, from having so much stress. I didn't look 13 years old. If i wanted to i could pass for 20 years old maybe. I splashed cold water on my face, and then let it drip back into the sink. I lifted my shirt and whipped my face off with it. Before pulling my shirt down i stared at how bad the bruise was. How dark and huge it was. It was darker than any bruise i've ever gotten or seen, and it was about the size of two full hand prints. I pulled my shirt down past the darkened skin, and open the door up. She sat there with Sam in between her legs, hugging him and kissing his cheeks. He seemed happy. He loved her, so very much. She squeezed him until she noticed i stood there watching. She opened her arms up and waved them towards her.

"Come her baby girl, c'mon." I walked there and sat in front of her; face to face, i sat there. " Hug me honey. You never hug me. Give mama some love, please."I looked into her eyes, her poor blue eyes. I looked past her pale skin, into her mind and soul. It was empty. I stopped. I just hugged her, empty. I had no love for her, none at all.

A knock came to the door, as she said " I love you guys, you two know that right?"

Sam nodded yes, and i stayed still. she got up to get the door. She stepped out out of the door way and closed it while she talked.I kissed Sam's head and we got up and planted our small bodies on the old couch. We watched TV; we watched his favorite show, and giggle and laughed. "Well baby, I cant just leave just yet. I gotta get them some food for them to eat. The kids need to eat."

"Well hurry up. I'm not waiting all damn day for your dumb ass."

She sighed hard.

About ten minutes into the show she came back in, not alone though. A man accompanied her.

((2000 WORDS))

She walked into the bath room, and he welcomed him self in. Sat right between us two kids. Didnt say a word just stared at our poor faces. He was black, real dark. Brown hair, brown eyes, ugly smile. His teeth were white, but were far from straight. You could smell the smoke on his dark blue dress pants and button down shirt. His clean leather shoes reflected the pictures on the TV.

" How old are you small things?"

Sam whispered under his breath. " Nine and Thirteen.."

"Mmhmm. You must be lil man Dan huh? Your Daniels son huh? Look just like the ugly piece of shit."

" Its Sam."

" What? Speak up boy! I cant hear you. "

"Sam, his name is Sam. Not Daniel. Sam," I said as I corrected the man.

"Oh, you must be Julie. Your all Jess talks about. She always tells me how you are. How your so much like her." He placed his hand on my thigh. I glanced up at him to see him staring down at me, hard. His eyes pierced my dreamful sky blue eyes. "You sure are as pretty as she always promised you were. You got her eyes. Those are my favorite about her. Those beautiful blue eyes. " He scanned my body up and down. I moved over fast. His deep voice scared me. It scared the shit out of me in fact. I moved to the arm of the couch, hoping he wouldnt join me on my side.

She appeared once again. Said she had called Ma, her mother (our grandmother), and that she was to bring us food. She gave me the phone number to reach Ma at. She said she'd be back that night. She hugged Sam as the man got up from his seat. I could feel him staring at me, never blinking, just staring at my small body. He rushed her. She hugged me bye, then he grabbed her arm and then pulled her away. They walked outside, closed the door. It was just us too again. She was now where to be found for the millionth time.

Time passed quick: one hour, two hours, three hours, four. It was just about 9:00 o'clock at night when a hard knock came to the door.

"JESS!! YOU IN THERE??"

I walked up to the door, cracked it to see who was knocking. It was Ma; she had changed so much from the last time Sam and I saw her. She had short blond hair, and barely rinkled skin. She had to be about 50 years old now. She was short, very tan. The past 3 years she had barely aged at all.

"Gosh Jessica, brown hair now?"

"I'm Julie."

She let her self in, with out a hug or a hello. She didnt seem shocked at how we were living. She seemed like she had been here many times before. She just walked right in, put the food in the kitchen and searched for a glass for water.

The second cabinit she opened had only one clean glass. We barely had and bowls, knives, forks, spoons, cups, plates, and pots. We barely had anything. She plotted down in the old beaten sofa, and gulped her cold water. After finishing, she placed the cup on the floor. She sat there silent. A couple minutes past before she told us she was heading out."So, im leaving now. I assume Jessica gave you my number to reach me at. Am i correct?

"Yeah. She did."

As she opened the door she said softly, "Well, if you two little ones need anything, just call me." I could tell in her voice that meant dont call unless its an emergency. She had never been there. I never thought she would be there. She was loaded with money, but didnt favor my mother having kids so young, and having them when she couldnt take of the dam kids. My grandmother had a boy and two girls. She favored my uncles kids so much. She took them on all sorts of trips.

My mother was her least favorite of the three. My mother was always in some sort of trouble. At the beginign of when it was just Jess, Dan and I, things were perfect. She was a good mom and he was a good dad. She was clean then and he was around. Not until a couple months after she had Sam she changed. Then things got worse when Dan gave up on us. He had left us for another family he had began. We were well off back then; we had a nice house, real clothes, we even had lots of food. I guess all the drugs changed her.

Some times I think about how I wish he had taken us with him, and not have left us like this. Days went by, fast. It was normal for us to just be here alone with out her. She barly came home unless she needed something for herself. To Sam I was just his sister, but to me I was his mother too.

The Darkness came and gone. She barly supported us. I had assumed the only reason why we had food was because my grandmother had brought it while we went to school.

Weeks past by, fast. As I slept my mind wondered out into my dreams and hopes. I barely dreamed, but this night i did. I dreamed about the life i could be living, just like other kids at my school. I dreamed about how amazing and specail my family would be in a huge house. This one night, i did not have cold sweats; i did not scream; i did not fight away what was in my dream. Just this one night. Thats it. It was not a nightmare, it was a dream. I was shook awake by Sam. I could hear his voice in my mind. Jewlz. Jewlz. His small tiny hands were reaching for me in my dream. Shaking me, hard. "Jewlz. Jewlz." I popped up. Smacked heads with him.

" Ah my head! " It was so dark in the room that i couldnt see anything. I could only see the pair of red glazed eyes that sat staring at me from infront of me. "Sam lay back down and sleep. Everything will be fine. Lay down with me kiddo. Come on and lay down." I sounded sleepy. I was sleepy. Half a sleep actually. I blinked, then looked to my side where a body lay sleeping next to me. My eyes widened. I jumped back, and stared infront of me."What the fuck?!.."There she sat, right in front of me. She scared me shitless. I almosted pissed my pants from the idea of someone else being with Sam and I and me not even relizing." Jess? that you?"

" Yeah, Julie. I need you. I need your help."

"What do you want? What do you need?"

" Your help. I need you Jewlz. Please help me." I could bearly see her. I could smell the liquor and smoke on her body. It was strong. It was more like a background smell now to me, I had gotten so use to it. She was every type of addict you could think of, besides and addict to family.

" Huh?"

" I need to go to a doc..I need you to just take care of me."

" Umm.. okay." She started to sob hard and loud.

"Im so sorry Julie. Im so so so so sorry! Please forgive me. Please!" Her words began to slur with her tears. " I love you so much. Im so sorry. My poor baby girl. My baby girl. My poor baby. Im so sorry."

"STOP! Your going to wake Samuel up. Now stop!" I screached at her. She covered her face with her hands as the tears still dripped down from her eyes, down her past her face. She cryed while i thought for a couple minutes."Fine. I'll do it. But promises you wont give me a hard time."

"I wi..""You've gotta try and actually stay here. Youll go with us to school and then go to do laundry and make lunches and things while we are gone. Summer vacation is begining next week."

"I promise. I will stay here with you."

She went to the couch and sat there, as i layed back down and closed my eyes tight. Time passed and things went okay. She stayed home and things went as planned. It was finally like a family again. The darkness soon then ended. School also had come to an end. On the last day I woke up to the same alarm that alerted me every single school morning. I did not feel Sams hands on my body shaking me to fully wake up this one morning though. I opened my eyes. They covered every inch of the area of the small studio. I walked over and glanced at the couch. There he sat, stroking her blond hair through his small hands. He looked dead straight at her, like he'd missed her for so long.

"Sam, come on and get dressed. Its time to get ready for school." He slowly and gently let her head lay down on the pillow that replaced his small boney legs. He kissed her small nonrinkled forhead. Before we left, I awaken her and told her we would be back at the end of the day like usual. She said mmhmm in her soft tired voice. It all went by so fast, Sam loved to rush home to Jess. He loved the idea of her being home with us now, caring for us, loving us. She was her everything to him, it was easily seen. Before we got to the door I could hear the voices through the walls. I opened the door slowly to see another accompanie of hers. A new man.She laughed and smiled nonstop. She was more happy than she was with just us as a family together. I could see the happiness in her face, even within her eyes."Julie, Sammy! Hey! This is Patrick. Patrick these are the kids."He smiled and waved hello. He was white, brown eyes, brown hair. He had a lot of frickles, looked to innocent to be here with her. He looked about her age, late 20's early 30's.

We waved back and and gave him a fake smile. They soon after took Sam to the park as I stayed home and cleaned. I layed there, and soon fell asleep. I woke up to laughter, talking and plenty of bright lights. I sat up, listened, then joined in. He seemed nice, to nice. Jess was always needy. More needy than a baby. This time she needed cigarates. She left to get what she needed, and he insisted on staying with us kids. All three of us stayed on the sofa, watching stories be told on the TV. We played cards and board games that we rediscovered. Time past, hours, and it soon began to get late. Sam fell asleep against the arm of the couch. I stayed awake waiting for her. Hours continued to pass by.

She had never changed, never would.Patrick placed his arm on my thigh, and said, "I'm sorry."

He caught me off gaurd.I responded with, " Huh?"

"I'm sorry shes like this." He repeated.

"No need to be sorry." He rubbed my leg, and I felt a feeling to move over, away from him. I stayed there though. He scutched in closer and wrapped his arm around my shoulder. His arm was so long that it wrapped around me and his hand drapped down to almost my elbow. He sounded so conforting.

"Come here, just lay down, fall asleep." He kept repeating to me. I left my eyes open, never closed them. I stayed wide awake. He seemed so nice, but at the same time so weird. "Just sleep, lay down, close your beautiful eyes." I yawned and he kissed my forehead. He made me feel so confortaded for once, but at the same time i was so scared. He layed his head on mine, and fortunitlly feel asleep before I did. I pushed his hand off my arm and pulled away. I got up and went to the bed. I layed on the bed alone. I pulled my legs up to my chest and just held my self there, scared. That night i slept for only an hour. Every sound i heard i stayed alert to see what it was. I never heard a knock at the door, or a key in the lock, just crickets.

After my hour of sleep I sat up, Sam was watching Tv alone. I wondered where Patrick had went. I did not hear him get up and leave. I did not hear the door open, then close. I must have fell into a hard sleep. I went over and obsereved what Sam was watching. He looked down at the dirty carpet, like a zombie. I sat close to him and he moved over, away from me, as soon as i sat down. He always loved to have me close. I tugged him over to me with a big hug, and he began to cry hard."STOP! Get off me! Now Julie!! NOW!" I stopped; i was so confused."Whats wrong?"

"Don't touch me. Just leave me alone"

"Sam, whats wrong? stop crying, tell me. Whats wrong Sammy?"

He couldnt stop crying to even talk. When i tried to hold him close he just pulled me away, and cuddled himself."Sam, now stop. What is wrong with you?! Tell me Samual, now!" He looked down at me. He stopped making the sound effects of sobbing, and just the tears poored down in silence.

"He."

"He? He who sam? Patrick?" i responded."He. He. He. He touched me. He."

"What do you mean touched? How did he touch you?" He looked down in shame.

"He forced me down, he touched me."I had nothing to say. I could do nothing. I could not say anything about what had happen. I knew the obvious, but didn't question him more than what i already asked. I had the same feeling of positivty of Sam had when Amanda kicked me. He just sat there, crying, holding himself. I wouldnt let me hug him, or touch him in fact. He was so scared and i could do nothing, nothing at all to fix it. I always saw myself there to always protect him, and in that second i had lost that feeling in my mind, body, and soul. I just sat there lost, empty once again. I grabbed his arm, told him to get up and get dressed."We are going to walk." He did not ask where or why, he just did as i told him to.

CHAPTER 2))

There she was. Nasty. She layed there in an ally. It had to be the 20th ally we searched, I knew she would be in an ally or a house; an ally was the only option i had that i could search in. I kicked her hard, she moaned in pain."Get the fuck up, Lets go now."Her hair was messed up, wild. It was no longer beach blond, but now almost brown. Her clothes were dirty, and her heavy dark bags under her eyes were easily seen. She smelled horrible: nasty trash, white trash, dirty white trash. I pulled her by her arm and screamed.

"LETS GO!! WAKE THE FUCK UP!! NOW!!" Sam and I had began searching around noon, it was now getting dark on a summer night. It had to be around nine or ten at night. I pulled her up to her feet. I pulled her arm around my neck and held her small body weight on my small body. The smell was so hard to ignore, but i tried my best to do so. Sam rushed to my side as i exited the ally, he grabbed her other side and tried to help me out.It wasnt much of a difference, but it helped him get his mind off of what had happen to him.

We walked about a 45 minute walk to the house, where we put her down in the tub. I let her sit in cold water, that barely filled up the tub. I sat there in the small bath room alone with her. I watched her every move, and heard her every mumbled word. She constantly repeated how much she loved us softly. She never apoligized, or begged for forgiveness. She had figured out i would never forgive her for the life she decided to give us. She did not have enough power to cry or speak loud, but she asked me to call Ma over.I thought about it. I wondered if she'd actually come. She never was really there for us. She did not want Sam and I, she didnt even want her own daughter, Jessica. I stepped out the bathroom and asked Sam to go watch her and keep her company. I knew i shouldnt have let Sam see her like this, but I hurt me more seeing him empty and hurting inside.

I sat there, thinking. I had no idea what to do. I grabbed the house phone, and the piece of paper that had Ma's number on it. I stared at them both, questioning if i should really call. I dialed the numbers.

"Hello?"

"Hi, its Julie, umm do you think you could come over to the house?.. We need your help."

"Yeah, sure. I'll leave in a couple minutes. Is it an emergency? Whats wrong?"

"We just need your help. Just come as soon as you can please."

"Well Julie, I'd like to know why im leaving my house. If its not important i'd like to know now instead of when i get there. is it important?"

" Yes. I think so."

"Okay.. I'll leave now."

"Thank you"

She hung up the phone. I stared at the dirty carpet. Before I could catch my self, i relized tears began to fall from my face, soaking the floor. I was losing myself slowly. Losing it all, completely though. My mind raced. I couldnt stop thinking about all the pain in my life. Her, the kids at school, those were what made my life miserable. My life was living hell. I had no love in my life; no love from my mother, family, or a boy. The only person that loved me was sam and I loved him more than he could ever figure out. I always knew i'd be like is real mother when my mom got pregnant with Sam. My mind still wondered around. Time passed by fast, a hour past by and my thoughts came to an end with the sound of a bang at the door. KNOCK, KNOCK.

"Julie? Julie?" The knocking continued. I spaced out into space, lost still. I was lost, in thought and in reality.

"Julie! The door, get the door!" Sam shouted from the bath room door way. I jumped up in a rush and opened the door quick.

"Now whats the problem? What was so important?"

"Jess is in the tub, I found her passed out, and i put her in cold water in the tub." She pushed passed me and ran to the bath room. Sam sat there trying to talk to her. He didnt understand that she was passed out and numb. He talked to her, hoping she was listening. When Ma opened the door she bent down and reached for Jess's body, pulling her up, looking for a pulse. She sat there calm and asked us to step out."You guys. everything will be okay. Why dont you two go sit in the living room while we wait for the peramadics to come?.."

"Okay thats fine. Lets go Sammy." I closed the door behind me slowly. I could hear her searching and rushing to her cell phone that was in her bag. I could hear her pushing the phones buttons. Beep Boop Beep. She had called 911. I pressed my ear against the door and could hear her voice conversing with another through the phone. She seemed calm now, like this was not a first for her. I went and sat down with Sam on the couch. We sat there till the peramedics came, and even after they did. We sat there watching TV for hours. Those were the shortest hours of my life.

Hours past, and Ma picked us up to go to the hospital. We sat in the waiting room for the longest hours of my life. It was a room between four white based walls. There were drawings all over the walls. There was a safari wall that had all sorts of odd animals on it. There was a food wall also. There were funny shaped apples, bananas and peaches. It was a silly waiting room, not very adultish at all.

The doctor finally came over and pulled my grandmother to the side to speak to her alone. They stepped out into the hall. We could still see her through the glass door they were near. She was there for awhile. She seemed calm and alright. She was very collected. She stepped back over to us and sat down a row behind us. She sat there and waited a little bit. She was quite.

"Hey guys. Look, theres a TV and plenty of toys over here." She suddenly said. We both looked towards the pile of toys she addressed her comments to. "Do you guys like toys?" Sam nodded and smiled and replied, "Yes. Very much." He didnt have many toys at our house. Barely any at all.

Sam laughed to him self and then took his head that leaned on me to. He walked over to the pile of toys that sat in the corner of the waiting room. "Would you guys like to come visit me for the night? While we try and figure things out? Is that okay with you two?"We both looked at each other and confimerd between eye contact that it was a good idea."Yeah, that sounds good.""Okay well lets head home then, we will come back tomorrow." We all got up and head towards the door as Sam began to say, "What about Mom?"I looked at Ma's eyes to confirm that Jess would be fine, but Ma faced forward. Under her breath she answered "Yeah, everything will be fine." We walked to her navy blue BMW and stepped in."What type of music do you guys listen to?" Ma asked." Umm.." Sam and I made eye contact and I finished his sentence with, " We dont listen to much music. We dont have a radio at home."She didnt live far from the hospital. It was about a 20 minute ride. She stopped and drove into this huge house's drive way."This is it guys." She told us.It was a huge brick house. In the front was a big lawn that was freshly cut. We walked inside. When we got into her house she showed us the places we would be sleeping in. She had a huge house just for herself. It was a three bed room house. It had four bath rooms, a huge living room, dinning room, and kitchen. It even had a place for us to play in. She gave us clothes to change into. They were clothes of our cousins that she had extras of. She had given Sam PJ's of a girl that was a little older than he was. The PJ's were a little to big for him, but mine fit perfectly. She told us to meet her in the living room after we ate dinner. She had ordered food for us. Sam and I barely ate out, we had no money for it. I always made pasta or something easy to dish up when Jess wasnt home to make food, which was most nights. She ordered us pizza and some chicken. That night we ate like we had never eaten food in our lives. We stuffed the food into our mouths like hungry lions. We had not been use to food being amazing and so good. We were use to the food that I made every night that was supposed to just last us till the next day. We ate the a whole pizza together. She looked over us like we were animals. She was so amazed at how we ate and never talked to each other. We just ate and ate, never stopping to breath or drink juice. We just ate."You two slow down before you choke! I cant take you guys out to eat if u eat like goblins and animals!'All three of us chuckled and giggled as Sam and I slowed down our chewing. Things were much different than being at home. We finished shortly after and threw our trash away.She cleaned up after us as she repeated that she would meet us in the family room to talk. We sat there waiting. She sat down in the family room in the chair accross from us. Staring dead at us both as if we had done something wrong. The room had sky blue walls and a yellow sofa set. It reminded me of heaven sorta, even though i had no idea what that meant. Neither did I know how it looked.There the three of us sat. She looked down. She seemed to be struggling to say something. She was struggling to let it out. Her head rose up from staring at the ground. She looked up at us and stared dead into our eyes. She looked upset. She sat there and then told us the impossible. My heart thudded. Sam's broke. Sam jumped into my arms. What were we to do?That night we found out our mother had died. She overdosed and would have died sooner if I did not put her in the cold water.I was really lost then. I hung my head into my arms. I was lost, my soul was lost, and even my heart. I was sure I wouldnt be able to take care of sam completely by myself. I was only thirteen. I wasnt even old enough to get a job. I was lost. That night, the darkness came back.

((AFTER 6500 WORDS))

In bed that night, I did not cry. I did not shed even one tear. I couldn't cry for someone who did not love me enough to make us live like this. Inside my mind I could only think about Sam. I never stopped thinking about how Sam would handle things, or how Sam would be okay. I didn't worry much about myself. I didnt worry much about anyone really, just Sam.

A couple days later we went to the old apartment to get our stuff from the nasty room. Ma had told us we would stay with her till we found a more perimint place. I knew she wouldnt let us stay with her, she never reached out for us. I never knew why. I could never understand why she didnt love us like her other grandchildren. We finally reached the house. I sat and just stared from the car window when we got to the doors.

I couldnt believe I did not live here anymore. I was excited to be out of that dam nasty whole in the wall.

"Julie, lets go. Get out the car and lets go." Ma rushed me.

As Sam opened the door he stated, " C'mon Julie, lets just get our stuff and leave."

I opened the car door and walked up to the empty apartment and opened the door. It smelled of dust and tasted of dry air.

"I'll be back in a two hours, its noon now, so ill come pick you up around two."

Sam and I nodded back to Ma; we did not question here, we just kept it going. We closed the door behind us, and started going through our old clothes. About thirty minutes into our packing session, we heard a knock at the door. I looked into the peep hole to see that it was Patrick. What did he want now?

I cracked the door open, so he could only see my face in the crack. I left the chain on so he wouldnt be able to push his way in.

"Can I help you?"

I asked like we had never met or laughed together. I acted as if he had never hurt us. Like he was a new person, once again. I acted like he never took up space in my thoughts. I just pretended that he was just another guy my mother brought home. She usaully brought a lot of guys home. They some times told us that my mother made them feel special, so theyd come visit her. I knew what was really happening though. I wasn't dumb. They were not her friends, but her way of paying the bills and her addiction off.

"Hey, do you remember me?" Of course I remembered him.

"Umm.." I said slowly.

He cut me off as he said, "Patrick, my name is Patrick. You don't remember me? Remember I.."

"Oh, yeah. I remember now."

"May I come in?"

"Actually we are packing, so we are very busy."

"Your mother isnt home?"

"She past away a couple of days ago"He looked puzzled, and confused.

"Overdose." I cleared his mind of the confusion. His puzzled face cleared up into a suprised and sort of upset look."Oh, my. I'm so sorry to hear that..""It's fine.""May i come in? Maybe help with the packing?"

My mind stopped and dazed out into a day dream. In my day dream my surroundings were surrounded with a cloudy frame. In my deep thought, i had let Patrick into the apartment. He hugged me tightly, confortabing me again. When he went to hug Sam, Sam stiffened up as Patrick put his hands around his little body. He squeezed him tightly. Sam looked scared, so scared. When Patrick let go and turned around, I pulled a knife out of my pocket and stab him in his face, and then in his chest. I kept stabbing and Stabbing...

"Julie?.. May I?"

"Huh?"

"May i come in?"

"We are almost done, we dont need the extra help." I stated.

He looked lost, and confused; He looked hurt."Well, umm.." He tried to reach in.

I shut the door on his face, and slid my back down it after locking it tightly.

"Bye, I guess?.." He sounded unclear.

I did not respond. I did not confirm his unclear thoughts. Of course this was good bye. Why would we see him again? I could hear his foot steps going down the rocky wooden stairs. He did not knock or try again to enter, he just left.

I felt relieved, happy to be alone once again. We finished packing up, and waiting for Ma. We sat together, bored. Sam layed in my lap and I sat against a wall. Everything was empty again. The room, our lives, and my mind. I stared down at Sam, he was slowly falling asleep, just laying there. He was so peaceful. He was finally in peace, finally.

I wonder if he thought about Jess; Sam seemed to always be thinking about Jess. He never told me if he did, but he seemed to never stop thinking about her. You could see it in his eyes, in the way he sleeped, in the way he ate, in the way he did anything. He missed her, a lot.

Me on the other hand... I didnt, I didnt miss the Jessica he knew. I missed the Jessica I knew before he came along. The Jess that raised me from birth to about three. I miss that one. She was so caring then. She was the mother she needed to be; She loved being around me, barely ever left me. I dont know where things went wrong. I guess she got friends that made her go down the wrong path.

Ma came back later that night, and at dinner we talked about living arrangments. Sam and I knew we wouldnt be staying at her house for long. She told us we would be with her till the end of the next school year. She wasnt exactly sure where we would be going after moving from her house. I had an idea that we would be in a foster home around then if she couldnt find a place for us to go.

That summer went by fast. The next thing I knew it was time for school. I wasn't sure how to feel on that first day of school. I was embrassed to go back to school not looking like who i usually did. Ma had bought us more clothes, that were in style. I was excited, though. I would finally fit in and not look horrible. I figuered the kids would say that i was a wanna be, but would still call me white trash.

I walked through the hall ways strunting my new clothes. That first day went by great. About the last hour of the school day, I walked through the hall going to my final class. I was shocked by what i had heard.

"Hahaha. Look white trash is trying to be just white now!!" This black boy yelled and pointed out down the hall. The kids laughed. It was not just his friends, but everyone in the hall way. That very second I remember how it felt to be at school again. I was no longer excited to come there everyday. I had remembered why i had no hope for new friends to come in my life.

I let my head fall down, staring at the ground as i walked. As soon as school ended, I collected my things from my locker and started my way out the school down the long halls. A group of kids crowded around me, blocking my way out the school. I tried to squeeze through, and they pushed me back. I noticed they surrounded me in a circle. I had no way out. I had no one to help me out.

"Grab her! Punch her!" The kids shouted at each other. "Hurry up!"

I was scared. So scared, once again. I felt a arm grab me around my neck, and grab me up into a head lock. I swung my arms up and the air and tried to fight back. They buckled me down, face on the ground. I had no idea who was behind me. I could see other kids coming in from the circle and I could feel their feet hitting my body. The kids backed off and the person who held me down flipped me over. I should of guessed who it was. I covered my face and tried to crawl and force my body to protect its self in a fedal position.

Amanda punched me every where she could see skin. I tried to block her hands and she punched me square in my face. The kids all shouted, as her little body and hands contunued to batter me.

"HEY! Get off her!!" Everyone seemed amazing and shocked. It was the girl who never talked; the girl i had ate lunch with; the girl i stuck up for when no one would, Jane. That was her name, Jane. They all began to laugh, and she dashed back down the hall she came up. A teacher appeared with her seconds later, the kids ran. I layed there curled up. Scared to every touch. I just layed there till the office and principal called Ma to come get me.

The school had no idea who was in the fight, i said nothing. Jane said nothing. Some how the teacher saw nothing. Jane and I both knew if we did say something, there would be more beatings for us both. I held a cloth to my nose and a ice patch to my eyes. Almost everything was swollen. My clean white collard shirt, was now red from the blood my nose bleed. My new jeans were now brown, from the dirt of the kids shoes.

The school did not seem to care at all. It was nothing new to them; these things happen all the time here. Ma came and picked me up. That whole night i iced and just layed in my bed, afraid. I wasnt afraid of the kids now, but more or less of life. The next day I did not go to school, nor the day after that.

Ma understood that I didnt want to go, but the third day she made me go. I kept to my self and did not walk in the hall ways when i could avoid doing so. I walked around the whole building to get to my classes that were at the edge of the school. The rest of that week went by okay. I stayed focused on my surroundings. I was very paraniod on what was around me. As another week past, i still stayed paranoid.

Weeks contuined to past, and one friday i had enough.

"Hey bitch." Amanda whispered from behind me. "If you snitch about what happen to you, there will be plenty of it to come. You know that right?" I didnt answer her, just kept going; I walked fast, trying to get out of her sight. She stayed close by, right behind me at some points. "Go ahead and tell, that will be the last time you'll ever be able to speak." I kept going, trying to ignore her.

"I'll kill you, skin your ugly little troll brother alive, and beat your crack head mother up.""You dont know shit.""What you say to me you piece of white trash?!" Amanda replied.

"My moms dead." She laughed in my ear. Never stopped. She laughed as loud as she pleased; i couldnt do anything about her laughing. I couldnt do anything she did to me. I couldnt do anything about her. I decided to walk into the bath room. I ran into a stall and locked it tight. The stall doors went down to the ground and high almost to the roof. I sat there and thought. It was a fast thought. But I thought about what i was about to do. I then decided i'd do it. It was my last option. My only option. This had to end, at once. So i then i did it.

I opened my book bag and searched for my mission. I took out the pocket knife I kept in my bag and slipped it into my hand. It was a little bigger than a normal sized girl scouts knife. It was way sharper too. I took a death breath in.

"Do what you need to do. Dont be no bitch. I taught you better than that. If anything, thats all i taught you." My mom would always say that to me. "Dont take shit from no one Julie. You understand that?!" It repeated in my head. "Dont be no little bitch Julie, dont be. Do what you gotta do!" Her voice kept repeating in my mind. "Just do it Julie. Just do it!" I said to my self. I flushed the toliet, then I rushed out the green bath room stall. I swung the heavy door open, so it hit the other plastic stall hard. It caught Amanda off guard, stunned her.

Amanda looked shocked, and confused. I pounced at her, suprisingly. I did what I had day dreamed about doing to Patrick. I stabbed her in the stomach, over and over. The meduim sized knife was doing some damage, but not as much as a normal knife would do.

"WHAT THE FUCK YOU DOIN?" she yelled at me. We struggled back and forth, as she tried to grab the knife from me. I kept on stabbing. I kicked her body. I kicked her stomach till she fell to the ground. I held her down. Pinned her down, just like she had done to me. I stabbed and stabbed, till it had hurt her. I wanted her to feel pain, just like she made me feel pain. I wanted her to be in more pain than I had been. I wanted her to beg me to stop. I wanted her to be the worthless bitch she made me be.

"How do you like it huh?! Huh?!" I shouted at her as i contiuned to stab.

I stopped, realizing what i was doing. I jumped up to my feet and I looked around to see a bloody bath room. She was holding her wounds, screaming for help. She was screaming this time. Not me.

"You tell anyone and i'll kill you. I'll kill you. You hear me? Dumb stuck up piece of shit. I'll come back and kill you."

I kicked her hard in the face. She was knocked out. I stared down at her. She was the one who was the punk, the weaker one. I ran out the bath room fast, before anyone could come in and see what had happen. I ran so fast, that I could make a pro look bad. I ran all the way home. I had this feeling of something in my soul, in my body that said i did the right thing. I was right for once. I was right. I kept running, i had an energy running through my blood. I didnt call Ma for help, or hop on a bus. I just ran. I knocked on the door, till someone opened it, then ran upstairs to the bath room. I sat there on the toilet. Put my face down to invesagate my bloody hands. I smirked, I had done it.

I began to laugh, hard. I was scared of the thoughts that were racing through my mind, scared of my own self. I got up looked into the mirror at what i had become. Stared, investagated my own face. The face i saw, was not the one i saw in my mind. I did not picture myself as a person like Amanda. I did not want to be like her. I couldnt help the tears from falling down my face. I was a punk; I was a punk looking for a way out. I took the easy way out. Fuck what had i done?!

Chapter 3

I stripped down to nothing. Stripped till i was naked. I jumped into the shower. Turned it to hot, and just sat there. I zoned out into my own world. I tried to justify what i had done. "It needed to be done. It needed to be. Someone or another would have had to do it. It needed to be done." The water from the shower was not the only thing dripping from my face. I stood there and watched the blood drop off my body, and flow down to the drain. The whole bottom of the bath tub was orangish red. It was filled with water and blood. It was me.

"I had done it, but i needed to. Yeah, i needed to." I thought." Yup.

Do what you need to do. Dont be no bitch. I taught you better than that." It was stuck in my mind, "Do what you need to do. Dont be no bitch." I was tired of being the punk ass bitch. I needed to do it. Yeah, I needed to.

I washed up. Scrubbed my feet, hard. Scrubbed my legs and arms rough. I tried my best to get all the blood off. I just scrubbed to scrub.At the sound of a knock at the door, i jump and nearly shit my self.

"huh?! what do you need?""Julie, sweety, get out the shower. You've been in there over a hour!"

"Okay, ill be out in a second."

I rushed out, making sure my body was clear from everything but skin. I rinsed off and turned the water off. I grabbed the clothes and held them close to me while i walked to me room. I started walking towards my room."Julie why are you walking so fast?" Sam shouted from his room.

"Oh. I didnt notice I was. Ha, sorry. I am." I replied.

I rushed to my room and closed the door behind me. I dropped the towel and searched my body through the mirror, searching for any blood i missed. I was clear, and i then got dressed and went and spent time with Sam.In bed that night, the thought of what happen never left my mind. Thoughts of what would happen if i got caught crossed my mind. What would happen to me? What would happen to Sam?

I figured that I really fucked my life up, for good. I started to cry. Thinking about my past: my child hood, my mother, her drug habbits, my lose to the drug war, the start of Sam and I's partners in crime, Jess's death, and Amanda. I wonder what happen to Amanda; was she still bleeding after i left? Did some one find her after? Who will and would know it was me? She die? Bleed to death maybe. Hopefully.

Some how she always got away with what she did to me, but i felt a deep feeling in my got that I wouldnt get away with this. I felt guilty. I felt hurt, that i did a crime worse that Jess did. My mind was clustered with all sorts of thoughts. I decided that i would stop worrying about today, and only tomorrow. I got out of my bed and kneeled down on the side of the bed. I prayed. Prayed to what ever was up in the sky: God and Jess.

"Please, help me. Please." I whispered up to the sky.Sam needed me, he needs me. I couldnt leave him here. He couldnt be here with out me. He couldnt be any where with out me, not with out my protection. I loved him to much to lose him to. I wouldnt be leaving him, not any time soon. I got up from me knees and layed back in bed. I closed my eyes, tried sleeping. Tried till i saw the darkness again. For the first time, i missed the darkness.

I squeezed my eyes tightly together and just wished i could go back into the past, and just keep walking, instead of going into that bath room. I just wish my wishes came to life. I opened my eyes and got out of bed and grabbed a sheet of paper. Started writing. I kept writing. I wrote my thoughts into a poem. Just one subject.

"Ima write poems, till i get caught. Hope Sam gets to read them one day." I whispered to myself softly.

**//Slow and Close //**

//I’m smiling but, i’m not really smiling // //inside i just wanna cry. // //I feel hated and unwanted and all at the same time pushed away from. // //Im slowly getting tired. // //slowly building an untamed wall. // //Slowly crying. //<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;">

//<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;">The tears fall. //<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"> //<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;">Slow. //<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"> //<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;">It’s so hard not to feel up set and hurt, //<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"> //<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;">but it’s the rite thing to do. //<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;">

//<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;">I’m wondering where you are. //<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"> //<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;">wheres the person i had, //<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"> //<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;">the person that’s there when i’m physically there. //<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"> //<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;">i never wanna let u go. //<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"> //<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;">i’ve given you a part of me, //<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"> //<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;">but you never let that show. //<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"> //<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;">Distance is coming between us. //<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;">

//<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;">I’m wondering where you are. //<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"> //<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;">All i see is fights and pain, //<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"> //<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;">and me //<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"> //<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;">alone. //<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"> //<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;">I just want u close. //<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"> //<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;">But you are set free. //<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"> //<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;">I want you here with me. //<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"> //<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;">I don’t wanna feel alone anymore. //<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"> //<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;">When i’m with you its a whole different feeling. //<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"> //<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;">There are never fake smiles, //<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"> //<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;">always real. //<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"> //<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;">non stop smiling, //<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"> //<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;">and laughing. //<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;">

//<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;">Where are you? //<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"> //<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;">Come here. //<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"> //<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;">Hold my hand. //<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"> //<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;">Kiss me. //<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"> //<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;">Hug me. //<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"> //<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;">Love me. //<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"> //<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;">Never leave me. //<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"> //<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;">I don’t want u to flee from me. //<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"> //<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;">please stay //<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"> //<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;">close. //<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;">

I started to cry again. Man, this is the most ive ever have cried. I had no one there to help me, no one there to love me or care for me. I was all alone. All by myself. I couldnt sleep that night, nor any other night after that. If i had, i wasnt for long. I had nightmares when the darkness came, but those werent the only things that harmed my mind. I was going crazy. I stopped going to school, I was afraid to get caught. Afraid Amanda had told on me. Weeks went by, and Ma finally caught on.

"Juliez?"

"Huh?.." I barely talked now and days, to anyone, even Sam.

"The school called.."

"About?.." I replied to her.

"They said you've miss over 10 days in a row." I stayed silient. "Have you been going to school lately?"

"Mmhmm." I stared down at the ground. I just wish she went away. Just left me alone, like Sam and I were before she came along.

"Well, tomorrow we have to go up to the school and clear it up then..."

"No! I dont want to go. You can do it.."

"Why not?.."

"Ive gotta do a project in class, I cant miss it. My partners need me. I cant miss it."

"It wont take long, just come along with me."

"No! I dont want to! what part do you not understand! NO! She was shocked i shouted back. She just stared at me with this piercing face, this shocked looking face.

"Excuse me Juliana? What did you say to me?" I stayed silient. "Huh?" She said forcing me to say something. I did not respond. I kept my lips closed. She began to walk out and i replied with,

"No.. I dont want to go."

She said "Your going Julie. Your going" as she walked out the room. When she got to about the door way she stopped and turned around. " So you havent been going to school then huh?"

"I dont like it there. I cant stand being there anymore. I hate it."

She walked back into the room, then turned right around and walked out. She didnt love me, and neither did anyone else. I got up and closed the door right after she got down the stairs.

"Ahh! Fuck her!" I jumped onto the big bed in the room. I thought about everything once again. I was so tired, so cranky and upset. Things werent going my way, things were going so bad. I layed there and closed my eyes. I just layed there, no tears or thoughts. Just my empty heart, soul, and mind just laying there. The darkness came.

That next day at school was not what i thought it would be. No one know it was me, but the word was going around. It was almost two weeks after the fact, after the stabbing. It was weird to me, it was different to be there. I sat in the office with Ma. In the confrence room. I liked to think that I wasnt here to have more stress put on me, i was already going out of my mind. I didnt want to be here; I'd rather be in class then in this huge room that only three or four people are going to sit in. I layed my head on the table as Ma and I waited. I did not want to close my eyes. When I closed my eyes thuoghts ran through my mind.

I just kept my eyes open and counted the lines on the wooden table. The door open and the principal and my english teacher came in. I came alert right away. English was the only class i had with Amanda. Why would Mr. Fluenda be in this meeting? Mr. Fluenda's class wasnt my favorite, but i did well in it. I only did well, because i could write well. I liked to write poetry, but i didnt like his class much. The two men sat down on the other side of the table as Ma and I. They introduced theirselves to Ma.

"This is the first student teacher confrence we have had with this family. Ms. Toney never scheduled them, if she did she wouldnt show up to it. She is your daught correct?" "Yes, and Julie is my grand daughter." Ma replied to the principal.

"Well its faboulus to to meet you Mrs. Toney." Both men replied with.

The confrence started right away, they said, " Well this is about Julianas record of attendence. Shes been missing a lot of days. May I ask what for?"

Ma looked at me and I looked at her. I started off saying, " Well I.." and Ma cut me off.

"Shes been very sick these past couple of weeks. She recently just got over this bug. We just wanted to make sure she didnt spread the bug to the rest of the students." I looked at her shocked. I was happy she stuck up for me. I was shocked she did.

"I feel a lot better, ill probley be in tomorrow." I said right after.

"Oh, thats perfectly fine. We werent sure if you were just not coming. Some kids just dont come to school. Those types of kids dont deserve to get credit for the classes that other children are taking and going to."

"Well, im here to say Julie is a great student. Julie is also a amazing writing, and that you should maybe get her invovled in more writing classes and camps." Mrs. Fluenda added to the conversation.

We all agreed, and shortly after, the confrence ended.

Ma and I got into the car, and drove about 30 minutes to get home. It was a silent ride, and sort of akward. I did not know why she stood up for me. Or why she did not tell them the truth. I guessed it was so I wouldnt have to do the school year all over again. We drove down the chicago streets. It was hot for a fall day. Very hot, or it was just me. I seem to began to sweat all through my clothes. She took a glance at me, rolled up the windows, and turn the AC on.

I layed my head onto the door and tried to relax. It didn't work, but i tried to just calm down. I dont know why i was sweating so much! The AC blasted onto my skin. It was nice and cold. I layed back on to the seat and finally relaxed. I breathed in and out, heavy. I closed my eyes and was shortly distrupted by Ma.

"I know you've been going through a lot lately, but you've to go to school. You cant skip." I rolled over onto my side facing the car door. I sighed heavy. "Yup, I know. I'll go to school, dont worry."

"Alright, but whats been on your mind lately?" I did not answer or reply with another sigh. "Juliana?"

"Nothing really." She could tell I was lying. I usually lied to her, but she could tell this time I was lying.

"Your not really acing like your self Julie, whats wrong?.."

"Nothing I said." She wasn't bying my nothing was wrong.

"Julie.." She glanced back over at me. "Is it..." She paused. "Jess? Are you thinking about her?" I stared out the window, since i was still on my side laying down on the chair. It wasnt just my mom. She was the last thing I wanted to admit I thought about. She didnt think about Sam and I, so why should I have thought about her?

"No. Just the kids in school. They are really mean some times." I just fed her what she wanted to know. She did not ask any questions after that, she just kept going on driving.

That night went by fast, and the next morning came and went. I went to school that day. I did not want to, but I had to. I heard there was an investagation going on about the stabbing, and I became parinoid again. I couldnt wait till that day ended. School came and went that day, and so did the sun. That night I decided to go to bed early. I laid in bed, staring at the ceiling.

My mind came back to reality when a loud knock was at the door. Non stop ringing of the door bell was included in the knocking at the door. I waited until Ma went down stairs and opened the door, to hop out of bed. I ran to the stairs and I popped my head over the railing trying to figure out who it was. I heard two strong powerful voices. There were two people at the door, two men with strong voices. I stayed out of sight of them.

"Hello, are you Mrs. Toney?" I could just guess my grandmother looked puzzled and did not answer. "I'm Detective Johnens and this is my partner Detective Naviance. I was wondering if I could talk to your grand daughter Juliana Toney. My grandmother still had that puzzled questioning face on. "

She does live her correct?" The detective questioned.

"Right now she is unaviable, can you come back a different time and date?" The mans voice became even more demanding and stronger.

"Well, I'd love to speak to her right now. Is she home?"

"No, if you give me your card i'll give you a call when she is avilable." As they gave her their cards the quit detective, Detective Naviance, inturpeted "Its about 10:00 o'clock, why isn't your thirteen year old grand daughter home?" Ma seemed stunned, and responded with, " Shes visiting a old friend. I dont know the address, so if its unimportant than theres no need to talk to her this instant. Thank you. Good bye."

She closed the door, before they could say any thing else, or even bye. The two men chatted outside of the door, while she closed up the 1st floor. I glanced back to my room, to make sure the light was out so they wouldn't know I was in. As they walked to their car, you could hear their heavy steps. A couple days passed by, and she had not said anything about what happen to me that night. I was scared, but I went to school any way. I knew what it was about, but I questioned if she did.

One day, i remember this clearly. It was right before lunch and i was starving. But at the end of class, right before lunch I was stopped by my teacher who had just got off the class room phone. Mrs. Johnson pulled me aside, "Juliana can I have a second with you." She glanced around and saw people staring. "Alone please." The rest of the kids left as the bell went off.

I said quitley as I approached her, "Yes Mrs. Johnson?"

"Julie sweety, Mr. Smith, the principal wants you to see him in his office." I looked shocked, even though I knew why i was going in there, once again. Since that meeting I had not missed a single minute, hour, or day of school.

"Thank you Mrs. Johnson." As I reached for the door she replied to me.

"Julie, your a sweet kind girl, dont let anyone else tell you different. " I blushed and put my head down.

"Thank you Mrs. Johnson."

I reached for the door and opened it. I did not look back or pause and hug her bye. I knew this was a final good bye. I walked down the hall. Taking in every scent and sight in my view in. I walked down, smiling. She had made me the happiest I had felt in weeks, maybe months. I knew I was depressed, very. I missed Jess suprisingly. I took my time getting there.

When i got there, i took a long breath in and out. I also drink some water from the fountain near by. I just did it; opened the door, stepped in and asked for Mr. Smith. "Do you have an apointment with him?" The secretary asked.

"Yes, he told me to come to the office."

She looked down and picked up the phone, and had a quick convostaion with some one. "He'll be out in a minute to get you. You can take a seat over there."

She pointed to a row of seats and i nodded my head and said "Thank you."

I sat there waiting for about 10 minutes. I could see the shadows in the room moving through the white glass that was in the door. There were about three people in the room. I wondered who it was. Why would they need me? I could run, i had time to. I should have, but soon after the thought crossed my mind the door opened.

"Juliana, come on in. I'm ready for you, we are ready for you." He smiled.

I got up and walked into the principals office, it was much smaller than the conference room that we were in before. It was a pretty big office though. When I walked in it was filled with about my principal, two other men, and a woman.

"Julie, you can sit here." I sat down and then he sat down and put his hand out to introduce the people that surrounded us. "This is Detective Johnens, Detective Naviance, and Hilary Rogers. Hilary is a social worker here at the school, have you two met before?"

I nodded my head no as i said, "No, we havent.."

The social worker started the conversation off. "Well, do you know why your here with us today?"

"Nope" I said.

"Well, there was a fight here a couple weeks ago. Between two students, one was stabbed over 30 times, and is in very bad conditions. We are just trying to figure out what happen that day, and asking around if anyone knows anything."

The Detectives looked as if they already know that they found the person who commited the crime.

"Do you know anything about what happen?"

"Nope.." I responded.

They could already tell I wasnt going to talk. Even if it wasnt me I wouldnt have told if I know the person who did it and if I did, they'd kick my ass if i told. , Detective Naviance stepped in, knowing that this woman would not get the investagation far.

"Well, where were you that afternoon?"

"Home.." They stayed silent. "Is this all?"

Detective Johnens answered my question, " No, we have a couple of more questions. Did you know the victum, Amanda Andrews?"

"Yes, i did. Not very well though."

"Do you have any idea who would committe a crime like this?"

"No, you already asked me this." They were getting aggravated with me, you could see it on Detective Naviance's face. I feed off of it. "What evidence have you found? I think that would help you find the person faster, using evidence."

My principal stepped in, "Juliana, dont be rude."

Detective Naviance answered my question, " Well we dont have much, since our victum is not answering any questions. She just got out of surgery. She had to get stitches to her body, over 20."

"Thats too bad huh?" I smarted assed back. I was proud of myself. I was sticking up for myself, finally. I had gotten so fed up with this school and their people, I needed to stick up for my self.

"Well, if you were helping us we'd find the person faster..."

The social worker could see that the dectectives were getting very aggravated with me, she cut him off before they could say anything else.

"Juliana, they are just doing their jobs."

The principal had to step out, he annonced it before he left.

"Juliana," The social worker kept going on, " We really need your help."

Detective Naviance stepped back in to the conversations, he wasnt done. " We heard that you had the most reasoning to do it." I did not say anything, I just contunied to look down at the table. " You were the victum of all her bullying, am I correct?"

"Ha! Bullying is that what they said?" I shot back. " I had no reason to do anything to her, I had no way to. She's much bigger than me."

Detective Naviance wanted to get his point accross that they were on to me, "Does anyone else have anymore questions?" He looked around. He then bent down into my face and said softly, "Well, we are going to question Amanda ourselves tonight. She is down with surgery now. After this meeting, my partner and I are going up there to see her. You know that?"

"Well, tell her I send my best.." I replied, and then smiled as I lifted my face.

They were angry, you could see it in their red faces. They had no lead on me, unless she told. Obvoulsy hadnt just yet.

"Well thank you for your time, Julie right?" Detective Naviance said after the principal entered back into the room.

I smiled and got up, and started for the door. I go out the office and started walking down the hall.

"JULIANA!? Wait, we have to ask you one last thing!" the one of the dumb officers ran out and shouted. I still had my back to them and I had then stopped in my steps. He ran up to me. He got right behind me and said, "May we check your bag?" I had went blank, and silent. "There shouldnt be a problem with that right?"

"Sure.." I said unsure.

They took my bag back to the office and I followed behind. I watched them search the bag. It ended up to be clean, thank god. I cleaned up all the things they pulled out when they were done. I headed home again, hoping they wouldnt pull me back in.

I got home, and hours passed by. I was nervous, half to death. The day went, and the next morning came; the next day came, and that night went. That next morning, I was awakened with a bang. I was dragged out of the bed in the dark. My body hit the floor hard with a bang, and my heart dropped and my mind awakened.

"Get on the floor!" I tried to get up and see what was happening. My body was shoved back onto the ground. " GET ON THE DAM FLOOR! " My grandmother was screaming in the background. I couldnt make out the words. " Juliana Toney, you are under arrest for attemptive murder of Amanda Andrews.." Thats all my mind took in. Thats all my mind heard in fact.

My face dropped, "WHAT?!" I started to kick and scream and bang myself against the walls and the floor. "NO! I'M NOT GOING ANY WHERE?!" I screamed my head off.

I did not want to leave my house. I did not deserve to go to jail, Amanda had it comming to her, and I was happy it was me who did it. I was resisting to my best abilities.

The squad that held me, pushed me around and shoved me against walls so I would stop being so untanable.

"You do NOT need to do that!! STOP IT!" My grandmother screamed, trying to help me.

You could hear Sam in his room screaming, yelling, trying to hold on to me. He pulled my legs as some one pulled him.

I did not want to be any where besides in my bed. They were not going to take me. I tried my best to stay and get out of their grip. But It wasnt good enough. They chained me up, my feet to each other and hands behind my back. They dragged me down the stairs, I was unable to walk with chained legs and hands. I contunied to scream and shout as my body was being bruised and hurt. They walked me out the house.

"Why aren't YOU helping me!? WHY?!" I screamed at my family. "My family". I had finally had a family, and it was all stripped from me at once.

The police officers stuffed me into the back seat of the police car. They didn't give to shits about me, just doing their job. The chains hurt my arms and legs.

"Where are you taking her!? Where?!" My grandmother screamed and shouted in the background. I couldnt keep my self tamed, I cried. Non stop crying, non stop.

That night the darkness came and never left.

<span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman',sans-serif; font-size: 16px; line-height: normal;"> <span style="font-family: arial,helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;">Chapter 4)) SAMUEL. <span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman',sans-serif; font-size: 16px; line-height: normal;"> <span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman',sans-serif; font-size: 16px; line-height: normal;"> <span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman',sans-serif; font-size: 16px; line-height: normal;"> <span style="font-family: arial,helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;">I opened up her book and read how she felt about me. I read how she felt, I knew how she felt for the first time. I could feel it in my bones. I could feel her soul enter mine. Julie, my sister my everything, was gone. Gone from it all. She wasnt gone from my mind though. She never left that. <span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman',sans-serif; font-size: 16px; line-height: normal;"> <span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman',sans-serif; font-size: 16px; line-height: normal;"> <span style="font-family: arial,helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;">The night she left, the night they took her, the night I knew she'd be gone for ever, I lost my self. Theres only one fourth of Samuel left. I've lost so much, to much. Almost seven years has passed from the day my sister was no longer my sister. She was not thrown in prison. She was sent to a crazy house. I use to go and see her every month. Now I see her every know and then. <span style="font-family: arial,helvetica,sans-serif;"> <span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman',sans-serif; font-size: 16px; line-height: normal;"> <span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman',sans-serif; font-size: 16px; line-height: normal;"> <span style="font-family: arial,helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;">She is no longer Julie, but someone else. She is no longer who she has been. She just sits in the corner and tells me she’s sorry. In some ways, I cant stand to see her in pain. But in others, i’ve been in so much, that she should feel the pain too. <span style="font-family: arial,helvetica,sans-serif;"> <span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman',sans-serif; font-size: 16px; line-height: normal;"> <span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman',sans-serif; font-size: 16px; line-height: normal;"> <span style="font-family: arial,helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;">i some times sit and try to stare into her beautiful eyes, I try to sit there and try to figure her new soul out. But it is impossible. She isn’t all there, ya know? Like mentally, she isn’t all there. One time when I went and visited her, she almost went all crazy on me! She was like my mom some times, well from what I remember. <span style="font-family: arial,helvetica,sans-serif;"> <span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman',sans-serif; font-size: 16px; line-height: normal;"> <span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman',sans-serif; font-size: 16px; line-height: normal;"> <span style="font-family: arial,helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;">This time I had to take the bus up here cause Kendra didn’t give me a ride. Kendra is my foster mother. When I was a kid, my birth mother died, and then I moved in with my grandma and Julie. Then Julie got her self into some deep shit. She stabbed this girl, that picked on her and bullied her for weeks. Actually, I think it was her whole life. She just didn’t want to be treated like shit anymore, she just flipped the shit and stabbed the girl almost to death. <span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman',sans-serif; font-size: 16px; line-height: normal;"> <span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman',sans-serif; font-size: 16px; line-height: normal;"> <span style="font-family: arial,helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;">Well, thats Julie for ya. Ever since I was little, Juliez and I, we were everything to each other. She was more than just a sister to me, and I was more than just her little brooks. We were each others best friends and blah blah blah. But you get my drift right? <span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman',sans-serif; font-size: 16px; line-height: normal;"> <span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman',sans-serif; font-size: 16px; line-height: normal;"> <span style="font-family: arial,helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;">When we met patrick that night that Julie wrote about, I felt like he could actually be like a father to me. After that night we met him, Julie told me that we could no longer talk to him. I don’t remember much, but I remember that talk we had. <span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman',sans-serif; font-size: 16px; line-height: normal;"> <span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman',sans-serif; font-size: 16px; line-height: normal;"> <span style="font-family: arial,helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;">She did not tell me why.. but she said that it wasn’t my fault. Even though Julie told me to never read her dairy, i did. I reread all this shit. About how that guy touched me and how my mother was a crack head and how she brought guys home and all that shit. <span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman',sans-serif; font-size: 16px; line-height: normal;"> <span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman',sans-serif; font-size: 16px; line-height: normal;"> <span style="font-family: arial,helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;">I remember some of it, but not all. I don’t remember how patrick touched me. But i do remember how he came to our house that night and how he spent it with us and not our mother. <span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman',sans-serif; font-size: 16px; line-height: normal;"> <span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman',sans-serif; font-size: 16px; line-height: normal;"> <span style="font-family: arial,helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;">That night I remember, Mom leaving. I remember her not coming back. I actually remember a lot about her. But that night, I remember after I fell asleep I woke up in the middle of the night. Just one of those times you need to turn and get comfortable, ya know? So right, I’m tossing and turning, and I keep hearing this sound. Like i don’t know how to explain it, but it was a struggling sound. <span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman',sans-serif; font-size: 16px; line-height: normal;"> <span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman',sans-serif; font-size: 16px; line-height: normal;"> <span style="font-family: arial,helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;">Well, any ways, I got up on my knees and leaned over to stare to see where the sound was coming from, and it was coming from the bed. There I saw a patrick on top of someone. I had no idea if it was my mother or my sister, but at that age, I had no idea what was happening. <span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman',sans-serif; font-size: 16px; line-height: normal;"> <span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman',sans-serif; font-size: 16px; line-height: normal;"> <span style="font-family: arial,helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;">There was no screaming, but I could hear her crying, I could see her still in my mind. Her stiff body laid there, I could see the light glancing off her tears. I did not know what was happening. I just laid back down, laid back down and slept. Life was the same for me. <span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman',sans-serif; font-size: 16px; line-height: normal;"> <span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman',sans-serif; font-size: 16px; line-height: normal;"> <span style="font-family: arial,helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;">Well back to the story. So this last time I went to go see her right, she almost went all crazy on me! I only asked her a simple question. So I was satting there n stuff, and I asked her something i guess that sparked her mind. I guess i brought back memories or something. <span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman',sans-serif; font-size: 16px; line-height: normal;"> <span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman',sans-serif; font-size: 16px; line-height: normal;"> <span style="font-family: arial,helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;">I whispered into her face while I stared into her sky blue eyes. “Julie, why’d you do it? Y’d you stab her?” <span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman',sans-serif; font-size: 16px; line-height: normal;"> <span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman',sans-serif; font-size: 16px; line-height: normal;"> <span style="font-family: arial,helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;">I never really questioned her, I always knew she had a good reason on why she did it, why she did anything. So this I couldn’t feel that in my bones, so shoot I asked her. <span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman',sans-serif; font-size: 16px; line-height: normal;"> <span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman',sans-serif; font-size: 16px; line-height: normal;"> <span style="font-family: arial,helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;">“Juliez why’d you do it?” She looked into my face, like she was examining my eyes and my lips and nose. She looked into my eyes, hard and strong. I could feel her emotion, her mind racing. <span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman',sans-serif; font-size: 16px; line-height: normal;"> <span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman',sans-serif; font-size: 16px; line-height: normal;"> <span style="font-family: arial,helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;">She closed her eyes shut and pushed her self off the rickey chair she sat on. She crawled into the same corner she always crawled into when she did not want to be near me. She did not answer, she did not cry, she did not hyme, or laugh hard, or do anything she usually did. She looked at me, pierced my eyes with hers, and said, “Why do you come visit me? Why?” <span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman',sans-serif; font-size: 16px; line-height: normal;"> <span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman',sans-serif; font-size: 16px; line-height: normal;"> <span style="font-family: arial,helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;">I had no idea how to respond. She never really talked anymore. She just nodded, and some times she’d tell me stories if she was feeling good. Some times she’d tell me how they treated her in this dump. <span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman',sans-serif; font-size: 16px; line-height: normal;"> <span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman',sans-serif; font-size: 16px; line-height: normal;"> <span style="font-family: arial,helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;">We always met in this white walled room. I think all the rooms were the color of white. <span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman',sans-serif; font-size: 16px; line-height: normal;"> <span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman',sans-serif; font-size: 16px; line-height: normal;"> <span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;">I could no respond, I could not laugh or change the expression on my face. My mind went blank. She kneeled back onto her knees and crawled over to the ricked chair again. She sat up onto the chair, and grabbed my hands. <span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman',sans-serif; font-size: 16px; line-height: normal;"> <span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman',sans-serif; font-size: 16px; line-height: normal;"> <span style="font-family: arial,helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;">She placed my big hands on top of her small tiny little hands, and stared into my face. She stared blankly into my face, never forgeting all the thoughts that never left her mind. I could feel her soul entering and fucking with my soul and mind. I could always feel and understand how she felt, but when this came to mind I never under stood. <span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman',sans-serif; font-size: 16px; line-height: normal;"> <span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman',sans-serif; font-size: 16px; line-height: normal;"> <span style="font-family: arial,helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;">"Why Julie? Why?" <span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman',sans-serif; font-size: 16px; line-height: normal;"> <span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman',sans-serif; font-size: 16px; line-height: normal;"> <span style="font-family: arial,helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;">She tighted her hands up and squeezed mine tight, she looked deep into my eyes. I could feel her soul attacking mine, I could feel the feeling of a knife going in and going out of my skin, I could feel the pain of her being raped by patrick, and her having to be like my mother at times to get by. I could feel her pain for her past, I could feel the shield she protected me with. I could feel her eyes piercing me, worse than before. She squeezed harder, and harder. <span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman',sans-serif; font-size: 16px; line-height: normal;"> <span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman',sans-serif; font-size: 16px; line-height: normal;"> <span style="font-family: arial,helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;">"JULIE!? Why, tell me!" <span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman',sans-serif; font-size: 16px; line-height: normal;"> <span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman',sans-serif; font-size: 16px; line-height: normal;"> <span style="font-family: arial,helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;">She closed her eyes. She than squeezed them too. She squeezed them hard, trying to forget all of her 20 years of pain. She squeezed trying to let the thoughts pour out her mind. She the sharply opened them, laughing hard. Laughing non stop. She laughed, and laughed. She seemed happier than I had ever seen her. She laughed, like nothing was wrong. <span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman',sans-serif; font-size: 16px; line-height: normal;"> <span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman',sans-serif; font-size: 16px; line-height: normal;"> <span style="font-family: arial,helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;">"Haha, Sam..." She finally said. "Sam, Sam, Sam, Sam.." She kept saying my name, like i was the reason she had done it. She smiled, hard. She barely ever smiled, "Sam, Sam, Sam." <span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman',sans-serif; font-size: 16px; line-height: normal;"> <span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman',sans-serif; font-size: 16px; line-height: normal;"> <span style="font-family: arial,helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;">"Julie, Why?! Stop Julie and tell me why!" She began to fusterate me. She smiled, again, and her eyes pierced mine. <span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman',sans-serif; font-size: 16px; line-height: normal;"> <span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman',sans-serif; font-size: 16px; line-height: normal;"> <span style="font-family: arial,helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;">She just smiled.